More Harm than Good

It took me a long time to realize that there is a big difference between being on a diet and being healthy. For the last few weeks, I have been on Nutrisystem. A few years ago when I was at my heaviest, I used Nutrisystem to jump start my weight loss and it was great. It taught me a lot about portion size and making smart choices. For the first time in my life, I was really paying attention to what I put in my body. Because I had such great results, I decided to go back on it to try to get back on track.

What is Nutrisystem, you ask? Basically, they send you a month's worth of prepackaged food, including, breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack. You supplement the food with fruit, veggies, and dairy. The kicker is the food doesn't even need to be refrigerated. It is just there, on your shelf. Meals include things like chocolate muffins and pizza and mac and cheese and cereal and fudge brownies. The idea is that the foods contain carbs that are 'good for you.'

At first, I saw some pounds come off. But after about the first 2 weeks, I just started feeling gross. I was sticking to the program, but not seeing results and not really feeling good in general. Having gone from a very clean diet, to a less so but still mostly fresh and healthy one to all prepackaged, highly processed, no expiration date, microwave dinners sucked.

So despite the fact that I seriously have almost a months 'supply' of Nutrisystem food on my shelves, I decided to kick the habit and go all out. Today is my 6th day of doing a strict paleo diet, eliminating grains, sugar, dairy and everything processed. Even when I was at my healthiest I don't think I id this good for this long. I also added in a diet soda or put splenda and milk in my coffee. But I decided to give up all my excuses and finally do what I felt needed to be done.

The funny thing is, I feel great. Yes, it is difficult to eat clean and fresh at times. I don't have a kitchen or refrigerator so cooking is out of the question. But, again, i gave up my excuses and am just making it work. If that means I resort to sardines and steamed zucchini for dinner, that is what I will do. It is definitely more expensive and less convenient for me to be doing this right now, but if I can do it now I know I can do it later in my life as well.

So I am off my 'diet' and on to eating healthy and clean. I have already lost 2 pounds and haven't been obsessing about counting calories. I know what I am putting in my body is good for it, so there is no guilt or sense of being overly indulgent.

I plan to stay 100 strict for 30 days and then see where I will go from there. This means I will finish right before going home for Thanksgiving and will hopefully allow me to make smart choices over the holiday season. Food should not control you, but should fuel you. It is hard work for me to have a healthy relationship with my food, but I am working on it.

Work Harder

I was talking to my dear friend Jessica last night and she reminded me of something so simple, yet extremely important: sometimes you just have to work harder. There are times when we feel like we are eating well and working out, but we are just not getting the results we need. Why haven't I lost weight? Why doesn't this run feel easier? Why is my energy level still so low? The answer is that if you are doing everything correctly, you will see results. Period. It is pretty much impossible to eat clean, workout hard, get enough sleep and drink enough water and still not fee great. If you are not at the place you want to be, you must work harder. If you are eating well 90% of the time, bump it up to 95%. If you get in three solid workouts a week, add a fourth. If you haven't cut out diet soda from your diet, but wonder why you don't feel amazing, go two weeks without one and see how it feels. Sometimes we feel like we are doing enough, but it simply isn't enough. Push harder. Dig deeper. Gain more focus and determination and get the job done.

Keep on Swimming

I am about 3 weeks into my renewed commitment to getting healthy and losing weight. I am down about 9 pounds, which is about 3 pounds a week. I wanted 4, but I will take 3. I just need to keep it up. I have been working out more often, but no as much as I should. I do a body sculpt class on Mondays and a less formal one with some girls in my building on Fridays and Sundays. I need to up the cardio though....for sure.

In addition, I have only had one melt down. I stayed strong, but I was full of doubt and frustration and anger. Seriously. I hate feeling like I am working hard and not seeing results. But this comes from not looking at the big picture. 9 pounds in 3 weeks is progress. Could it be more? Sure. But it is progress and I need to be proud of myself and know that things are working.

So I just need to keep on swimming. Swim swim swimming.

Here we go again

On Friday of last week, September 10th to be exact, I started to get serious. This summer was a HUGE bust in terms of getting my health and weight back on track. HUGE. I had lovely plans of all the wonderful things I would accomplish, yet none of them happened. In fact, I gained weight. Eighteen pounds to be exact. That is what is so scary to me. I gained eighteen pounds in three months. And I didn't even really notice. I mean I did in terms of my clothes not fitting and the general feeling of defeat. But I just kept letting it go and pushing the clear need to take action aside.

So last Friday I began again. I am not sure how may bursts of re-commitment it will take before I actually accomplish what I set out four years ago to do. But I cannot succeed if I do not try, try, try again.

I am doing things a little differently this time. I am on Nutrisystem again. I used it four years ago when I first started to lose weight and it worked. Since then, my ideas about health and food have seriously changed and I am in no way fooling myself into thinking that NS food is healthy. However, it will make me lose weight. It is portion controlled and far less expensive than eating out every meal in NYC. I do not plan to be on it more than a few months, but I was clearly out of control when I was going it alone. So I am hoping it will kick-start my newest attempt to get the weight off and get back on the road to good health and happiness.

So far, I have lost eight pounds. I am happy about that, but fairly shocked that I am still ten pounds heavier than at the start of the summer. I have still been lazy about working out because I have fallen out of the habit. But this week I am going to push it that extra bit and get in some serious workouts. My goal is to be back within 5 pounds of my lowest weight before I go home for thanksgiving, which means I need to lose between 3 and 4 pounds a week. I know it is asking a lot, but if not now, when?

So here we go again.

Le Sigh

This week has been a little rough. I haven't eaten awfully, but I am just not feeling it. I thought last week was fine, but I didn't drop any pounds, which always puts me in a funk. I started off the week with a workout, but haven't gotten another in since then. I just got back from a run along the river, which put me in a better mood. So hopefully the funk is over. I am trying to remind myself that if I have to have a sweet treat, dark chocolate is way better than a cookie. Now I just have to stop doing both!!!

Since I didn't hit my 3 pounds last week, I am looking at 6 this week which is nuts. So if I can just get my 3 for this week, I will feel much better. Today was a good start, but the next 2 days have to be equally as clean and workout filled.

Only 2 weeks till I go home!!!!! I want to be 7 pounds lighter by then.

Nice Work, Kid

I got in a great workout today. Not a crossfit workout, but good compared to what I have been doing while at school.
30 mins on the elliptical
1000 m row/500 m row
15 mins on the bike
30 mins run
I was so sweaty and stanky when I was finished, but it felt really good. Then I ate some tuna, steamed zucchini and an apple for dinner along with tons of water. All in all, a good day

Progress

My week 1 weight goal was met. 3 pounds. I am aiming for 3 pounds for the next 3 weeks till I go home. Then I can start the summer on the right foot and it will push me that much harder to finish this thing already. This September will make it 4 years since I started to get healthy, and while I have made big changes, there is still a ways to go. So my goal for next week is another 3 pounds, which I know I can do if I get in my workout and eat at least somewhat rationally.

I didn't work out as much this week as I had planned due to illness. But I am on the mend, so hope to get in a good one in the next day or two.

I am nervous about going home for the summer and getting back into crossfit. It has been a long time and I know I have lost a lot of ground since I left. But fear is no longer enough to stop me from doing the things I know I need to get done, so I will be back at it in June.

Invalidating the Scale

I am trying not to be discouraged that I worked out pretty hard yesterday and watched what I ate and the scale went up .5 this morning. I know I know I know. That doesn't mean anything. But at this point I am looking for every little bit of evidence that I am on the right track.

So instead of the scale, i will focus on the fact that I got a PR on my 500m row yesterday. I have never been able to break 2mins and yesterday I got 1:57. I was super proud of myself, especially since it came after a 30 min run and 20 mins on the bike.

Today will be more of the same. After sitting in the library for who knows how many hours today working on term papers, I am sure a run will be a welcome diversion.

Again

I find myself going in circles....moving through a cycle of success and progress...then recklessness and self-sabotage...followed by guilt and regret....until I am back where I began.

I worked really hard the first half of the semester. Watched what I put in my body and got in good workouts. I was right where I wanted to be. Then I went home for spring break where one bad choice lead to another and another until I gave up and gave in. I literally gained back everything I had worked so hard for 6 weeks to lose in a week. Since then I have been stable, trying to figure out what my next step is. I get tired of repeating the same mistakes. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. There is a moment when I have to act differently, and all I can do is make that choice.

So for now I am back at the top of the circle. Setting out to do it all again, for probably the tenth time in my life. Get in the workouts. Get in good food. That part I know and that part I can deal with. But there is another element...something I haven't yet been able to identify. Without it, though, I know I just doom myself to end up back here again. So this time I have to find it. I have to figure out what is missing to make it work...make the changes stick. I am smart and strong and I can figure it out. So here we go.

Fail

Spring break fail. Major fail. Major major major fail. Annoyed at myself for giving up. One of these days I will have a little more faith in myself. Back at it again. Try try try again.

Sprints Take Two

I think my new favorite workout is to do 400m repeats. They make me run faster than I would if i was going for distance, and I end up running farther than I would if I ran continuously. I did them the other day and felt really content when I was finished. So I decided I am going to continue to do the cycle and increase my speed and decrease my recovery time in between sets.

2:40, 2:38, 2:33, 2:31, 2:29, 2:26, 2:24, 2:19

I got up to a 6.5 on the treadmill, which I don't think I have ever run on for any real length of time. Granted, 400m is not that far, but it was encouraging to know my legs could actually move that quickly.

While I am home over break, I am going to hit up a track and do this to see how my times compare.

2 in 5

Home in a week! I am super excited. This semester seems to be blowing by at the speed of light. Once I get back from spring break, my two best friends from college are coming, and then I only have about 6 weeks left before summer. That is nuts. I am starting to worry about summer plans, but I have a lot of other stuff to get done before then.

Speaking of things to get done, my goal was to back at a satisfactory weight before going home. I am not going to divulge exactly what that number is (call me old-fashioned), but I have 2 more pounds to go before I get there. 2 pounds before Wednesday? If I stay on top of my eating and workouts I think I can do it.

Going home this time will be better than Christmas, I think. At Christmas, I was really annoyed with my body and my lack of motivation. I was almost embarrassed to go to Central because of the weight I had put back on. While I am still a few pounds heavier than I was before I stopped working out there, I am much closer to where I left off. Plus there is something to be said for the impact confidence has in the way present yourself and come off to others. So this time I hope to get in 2 workouts with the old crew. I know the will kick my ass, but I am looking forward to it!

So 2 pounds in 5 days is on my mind right now. Then it will be another 5 before I hit my pre-swine flu weight, then 9 more to match my lowest weight ever, and then 6 more to my goal. Breaking it up that way makes it seem far more do-able. Like I always say, forward motion is key and I feel more motivated than I have since coming to NYC.

Love/Hate Realtionship

This picture captures my post run sentiments.

My love/hate relationship with running continued tonight. I have not been on top of things as far as running goes and my cardio is noticeably not where it used to be. Which isn't saying much if you know how much I dislike running. It is not so much that I don't like running. I actually love the idea of it and the feeling I get afterwards. It is just the running part that gets me. But I know the only way to improve is to work on it. So tonight I did the .com workout from the other day, which was 400m repeats with 90 seconds in between. I was not sprinting, but my times were a lot better than I thought they would be. A 10 minute mile is pretty standard for me, so my times were more or less in line with that.

2:41
2:40
2:37
2:36
2:32
2:29
2:28
2:22

The treadmill is a little tricky to do something like this on, because you set it at a speed and you hold to it. So I think it would have taken more effort and my times would have been faster if I had more control over my speed. But all in all it felt good. In total I did 3 miles tonight, which is more than I have done in a long time. Forward motion.

Exposing the Truth

I was brave yesterday. Either brave or stupid....the jury is still out on that one. Regardless, I took some "before" pictures. I know that I am not necessarily at the start of my journey, but I am certainly not at the end. I have a lot of work that still needs to be done. And considering the fact that I have such a skewed self-image, I decided that having pictures was the perfect way to really see my body for what it is. Whenever Crossfit Central does challenges, they always take before and after pictures. Usually, the men are shirtless and the girls are in sports bras and short-shorts. Other, less official pictures I have seen have people in their bathing suits in order to see as much skin as possible.

Needless to say, I do not expose my stomach. Period. I have never taken a picture in a two piece bathing suit or a sports bra or any more skin than was necessary. But, I have always known the reason for doing it. Clothes cover and hide a lot. That is what they are there for. So I decided that the only way to have a real sense of what my body was doing and how it is changing was to take a honest to goodness before picture. So I bucked up and took a picture in the closest thing I have to a two-piece bathing suit. Bare stomach and all. From the front and back. These picture will NEVER see the light of day, I can assure you. However, I think it was an eye-opener and gave me a weird disembodied view of myself that I have never really seen before. Hopefully, one day when I have made more progress and seen more results and feel comfortable, I will take another bare stomach picture to use as my "after." This is a long way off. But there is something empowering about the fact that I know where I am, right now, at this exact moment and that I am doing something to change it.

Abs of steel, I have not. But I can tell you my motivation is higher than it has been in a long time. Sometimes the ugly truth is all you really need to hear, or see in this case.

Words to Live By

I got a few words of wisdom from Zac yesterday. He is always there to check my on my BS, which I sincerely appreciate. To sum up, he told me to buck up, do what I know I can do, and don't be that person who gives up before they are finished.

It was exactly what I needed to hear.

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Ok to be Fat?

The link below goes to an ABC Nightline story about the "great weight debate." It asks, "Is it ok to be fat?"

The video is very thought provoking and I clearly have my own take on it. I think fat is too often the focus, when we should really be concerned with issues of weight. Fat is not ok in our culture, but what does it mean to be fat? I am fat, but I am not unhealthy. There is a striking difference between fat and obese and I think we as a society tend to go too far. Yes, you want to be healthy. Yes, being overweight can lead to a number of health issues. So, being healthy and being thin are often two sides of the same coin. But you can also be thin and seriously unhealthy. It is all about finding balance and what works for you and your body.

I think the woman's argument that yo-yo diets make you unhealthy and therefore you should not regulate what you eat is nuts. No, yo-yo diets don't work and they will probably make you unhealthy in the long run. But life and health are not about diets. You have to make lifestyle changes for lasting results and good health. Crossfit is a lifestyle change. Paleo is a lifestyle change. You focus on how good certain habits make you feel and so you forget about all the things you used to crave or wish you could have because they don't control you anymore.

We need to stop talking about fat and start talking about health. Would I love to be a size 2 and have 17% body fat? Sure. But if the cost is my health, it is not worth it. I think reaching those goals are totally attainable in a healthy way that doesn't revolve around dieting becoming thin, but rather on continually making informed decisions, hard work, and treating your body with the respect it deserves. I think this is the potential crossfit has to teach women especially. It is not all about how you look, but about how you feel and what you can accomplish.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

Sunday is always a good day for me. It is a time to reflect on the week past and gear up for the week ahead. I have been "counting" my weight on Mondays as my official weight in terms of that week's progress. This has kept me more accountable over the weekend and Sundays this month have been a day for really dialing in my food and making sure I get in my workout.

Today was no different and hopefully tomorrow I will be rewarded. This was overall a good week, so I am proud of myself regardless.

Counting down to being home for spring break, and I want to be down another 5 pounds before then. fingers crossed!

The Fall Down

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognize my own reflection
Oh, scared of love but scared of life alone

Seems I've been playing on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me
Oh, but its time for me to let it go

Yeah I'm ready to feel now
No longer am afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

Just when we think that love will never find you
You've run away but its still right behind you
Oh, its just something that we cant control

Yeah I'm ready to feel now
No longer am afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

Yeah I'm ready to feel now
No longer am afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready
Ready to love again
I'm ready to love again



*I feel this way about self-love, risk taking, and working out, not about romantic love. More than satisfied there. Think metaphor, people.

I Love this Pain

So I have been a bit of a Debbie-Downer as of late, but I think I am on the road to shaking it off. I have logged all my food for the last 3 weeks and it has really helped me stay accountable and realize what what I am putting in my body. It is nice to be able to look back and say, "Wow, I really should have had more protein today" or realize that perhaps the reason I was in a bad mood was because I was coming off a sugar high from my huge-ass cookie. But the other nice thing is that I have eaten a lot cleaner since I started writing things down. It just makes you want to have a good day on paper, a day to be proud of instead of a regret.

My non-crossfit workouts have been on point. I am running on my own twice a week, working out on the elliptical (I know I know) with a friend twice a week, have an hour long pilates class and do weights a few times a week. I am working on my push-ups and can tell a real difference when I keep up with them and when I am slacking.

Crossfit, on the other hand, has been suffering. I am trying to work it out, but I have really hit a wall. A huge, Great Wall of China wall and I am trying to figure out the best plan of attack. This is what I think I am most in a funk about, because it feels like a big part of my life is missing and/or no longer makes sense.

But I am trying to keep a positive attitude and be grateful for the things that are going well in life. I will be back in Austin mid-March for a week and a half and I can't wait to seem my husband, friends family and cat!

Doubt

doubt: a verb meaning a to lack confidence in: distrust

frustration: a noun meaning a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs

discourage: a verb meaning to deprive of confidence, hope, or spirit

That pretty much sums it up.

Running...

I hate it. I really hate it. I have come to hate it a little less now than previously in life when I literally didn't run ever. But hate is still the right word. I am no good at it. I am slow and my lungs burn within about 2 minutes. If I can go 2 miles without stopping I feel good. SO it might sound crazy that I want to do a half-marathon. I am a long way from ready, but I think physically and mentally it would do wonders for me to train for one and then say I did it. I am not sure where or when yet, but this year will be the year of the half-marathon for me.

That being said, I ran 2 miles yesterday and did some sit ups and worked on my upper body. I will get a proper push-up in the next few weeks. I will I will I will.

Past, Present and Future

As I work on getting back onto the road of success, it is easy to think about all the things I haven't completed or accomplished yet. No pull-ups. No Push-ups on toes. No double-unders. Haven't reached my goal weight, my running is still slow and I have yet to fully kick my fatal attraction to sugar. Sure. This is a sizable list. And when I write it all out, I can't help but get a little discouraged. But that attitude will get me nowhere. Focusing on the negative only brings about more negativity and that is not going to help me accomplish my goals. So instead, every now and then, I like to take a moment and deliberately think about what I have accomplished and where I have come from. So here is my journey in pictures (and witty comments, of course!):

At my heaviest....around 267 in 2006

...note the GREAT food choices....

If you could see a close up of my face, this pic would show how uncomfortable I was.

When I found Crossfit, everything changed.

I found amazing support from friends and kick-ass coaches at a place that is
much more than a gym


And I started doing things I had never done before...

...like a triathlon...


...and found out that I enjoyed being sweaty...


...which turned me into a gansta' which is clearly what I am.

So while I know I have a long way to go, I have to remember where I have come from. Celebrate the victories and rise to the challenge of the obstacles. I am determined that this will be the start of the final major push to reach my goals. Stubborn determination. I am nothing if not stubborn, so it's time to get it done.

Back on the Wagon

I finally made it back into the gym today. More than about time. I don't know why I put it off. It feels so good to get home after a workout and know that you started your day with a bang. I am sure I will pay for it tomorrow, but it's all good. I think I did ok. My cleans felt good, for once. My cardio is crap however. I really need to work on that. But baby steps in the right direction. I am committing to making it 3 mornings a week and as many saturdays as possible to get my ass kicked by Mike. I really have no excuse not to. At least no valid excuses. I will keep you posted.

The pic is the only time I drank while home for Christmas, but it is evidence of the month of poor choices!

You know what they say about pain...

So one of the last times I went to a workout with Mike at Crossfit Gotham, I walked away with a lovely gash from box jumps. This was over a month ago and I still have a huge mark on my leg that hasn't totally healed yet. This is the second time to have had a boxjump fail and walked away with an egg on my leg (hahaha...so funny). Needless to say, it makes me nervous to jump again. When I was home over break, I went to one Crossfit Central workout and of course, we did box jumps. Mine were pathetic and most of them were step ups. Pathetic step ups even. It made me realize that you have to be fearless if you want all the hard work to be worthwhile. Why work hard to get your body there if your mind is just going to stand in the way? So, 2010 will be the year of getting out of my own way. Thinking less, and letting my body do what it needs to do. I know that is easier said than done and I am fully aware that I over-think just about everything in life. But tomorrow I am going to hit my workout hard, finish strong, and see where it takes me.

In other news, my re-commitment to eating well is coming along. I have been slacking still on my workouts, but today that all changes.

Today's workout:
2 mile run
50 sit ups

Nothing amazing, but you have to start somewhere.

It is time!

It is time. In all honestly, well past time. Since moving to New York, I have been full of excuses. Some valid, others not so much. But slowly, the person I worked so hard to become has been slipping away. The habits I worked on getting rid of have crept back into my life. That is not to say that I have thrown in the towel. But I have made some poor choices. So, I am done with that. I am tired of feeling like a victim, like I have to chose between working on my mind or working on my body, and as though I have no control over how I think, feel and look.

Today is a new day. A day I have had a few times before. Full of determination and conviction. I know the steps, I know how to be successful. I just give up or give in. But I am a 25 year old 4.0 GPA grad student at an ivy league university. There is absolutely no reason why I cannot figure out how to accomplish the goal of getting to where I want to be physically. No reason at all. So while there are no earth shattering revelations or realizations, I know it is time to get back to the basics. Time to do the things I know work. Sure, they will be a little different here seeing as I have no kitchen or refrigerator. But I can make it work with a little more effort and creativity than was needed at home. I have started a 'real' journal (the kind with paper that you write in with a pen!) to store all the torrid details. But I will use this blog to share major accomplishments, set-backs, discoveries, or other random information.

This is it. It is time.