2 in 5

Home in a week! I am super excited. This semester seems to be blowing by at the speed of light. Once I get back from spring break, my two best friends from college are coming, and then I only have about 6 weeks left before summer. That is nuts. I am starting to worry about summer plans, but I have a lot of other stuff to get done before then.

Speaking of things to get done, my goal was to back at a satisfactory weight before going home. I am not going to divulge exactly what that number is (call me old-fashioned), but I have 2 more pounds to go before I get there. 2 pounds before Wednesday? If I stay on top of my eating and workouts I think I can do it.

Going home this time will be better than Christmas, I think. At Christmas, I was really annoyed with my body and my lack of motivation. I was almost embarrassed to go to Central because of the weight I had put back on. While I am still a few pounds heavier than I was before I stopped working out there, I am much closer to where I left off. Plus there is something to be said for the impact confidence has in the way present yourself and come off to others. So this time I hope to get in 2 workouts with the old crew. I know the will kick my ass, but I am looking forward to it!

So 2 pounds in 5 days is on my mind right now. Then it will be another 5 before I hit my pre-swine flu weight, then 9 more to match my lowest weight ever, and then 6 more to my goal. Breaking it up that way makes it seem far more do-able. Like I always say, forward motion is key and I feel more motivated than I have since coming to NYC.

Words to Live By

I got a few words of wisdom from Zac yesterday. He is always there to check my on my BS, which I sincerely appreciate. To sum up, he told me to buck up, do what I know I can do, and don't be that person who gives up before they are finished.

It was exactly what I needed to hear.

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Past, Present and Future

As I work on getting back onto the road of success, it is easy to think about all the things I haven't completed or accomplished yet. No pull-ups. No Push-ups on toes. No double-unders. Haven't reached my goal weight, my running is still slow and I have yet to fully kick my fatal attraction to sugar. Sure. This is a sizable list. And when I write it all out, I can't help but get a little discouraged. But that attitude will get me nowhere. Focusing on the negative only brings about more negativity and that is not going to help me accomplish my goals. So instead, every now and then, I like to take a moment and deliberately think about what I have accomplished and where I have come from. So here is my journey in pictures (and witty comments, of course!):

At my heaviest....around 267 in 2006

...note the GREAT food choices....

If you could see a close up of my face, this pic would show how uncomfortable I was.

When I found Crossfit, everything changed.

I found amazing support from friends and kick-ass coaches at a place that is
much more than a gym


And I started doing things I had never done before...

...like a triathlon...


...and found out that I enjoyed being sweaty...


...which turned me into a gansta' which is clearly what I am.

So while I know I have a long way to go, I have to remember where I have come from. Celebrate the victories and rise to the challenge of the obstacles. I am determined that this will be the start of the final major push to reach my goals. Stubborn determination. I am nothing if not stubborn, so it's time to get it done.

Forward Motion

Again, it has been far too long since my last post. Time is flying by. I can't believe we are already into November and in 7 weeks I will be home and finished with my first semester of graduate school. So far, things has been going well. I am swamped with work Swamped. Tons of reading and papers every week. I feel like I am always carrying around some book with me, to get in a little work whenever I have extra time. But, the great thing is that I really love what I am doing right now. Everything I am reading and all the discussions I am having in class excite me and so it doesn't seem like such a burden to have to work so hard.

Keith is coming up on Monday, which I can't wait for. Hopefully we will get good weather and we can go do some tourist sight-seeing and such. I haven't done a crazy lot of that, so I look forward to seeing yet another side of the city.

Crossfit is going well. I got a handle on my eating and have lost about 6 pounds since I have been here....or at least since I starting caring again. It is hard to eat well here, but not impossible. I just need to be more deliberate with my choices and plan a little more accordingly. I am starting to feel like I am in control again, which is really nice. I am enjoying working out with the crew at Crossfit Gotham. It is a different vibe than Central, but that is to be expected. It is just fun to get to experience another affiliate and I think it is really comforting that there is that common thread I share with such a great community. Like anywhere I go, there is a build in network that I just have to contact. I will get a pull up, sold push ups and double-unders. I will.

I will try to get better about posting, but all in all, life is not that crazy. I feel comfortable in the city and I have found a routine. Well, as much of a routine as I can hope for right now. I just have to continue making forward motion. That is the name of the game.

Up a lot....and not in a good way

I broke down and bought a scale yesterday. It has seriously been over 6 weeks since I last weighed myself and I was dreading it. The last week I have really tried to be more aware of what I am eating, but I know the damage was already done. But being scared is not a good enough reason to continue to live in ignorance, so I got on. It was bad. Not as bad as I feared it might be, but bad. Lets just say that I was at my lowest at the end of I am Crossfit in March. Since then, I am up 23 pounds. Are you kidding me? That is ridiculous. I could make up every excuse in the book about why it happened, that I gained muscle and that I was sick and was in transition and blah blah blah. The point is that it is a slippery slippery slope back into an old life that I thought I had long put behind me. It only goes to show you cannot get comfortable, cannot be lax in your commitment.

Like I said, the last week has been better. I worked out 4 times last week in addition to walking a million miles. I hooked up with a new crossfit affiliate, Crossfit Gotham, and look forward to getting my butt kicked with them a few times a week. But really, the major problem in the food. I finally stopped drinking diet soda after a few weeks of indulgence. And I have eliminated the mindless snacking in between meals. If I can just clean up my meals, I will be ok. I just have to remind myself that it is ok if I am not 100% like I was at home. If I eat some toast, that doesn't mean I have ruined my day and/or give me permission to eat like crap for the rest of the day.

I know I can do this. Not just for myself, but for all the people who have put time/effort/energy/love into helping me get my life on track.

Spartan 300!

The final Spartan 300 workout is on Saturday! I am not excited and nervous about it. I am nervous because I am going to do 95 pounds instead of 65. The only things this will impact is my deadlifts, floor wipers, and increase the weight of my kettle bell. I am not worried about the increase in kettle bell weight because I really enjoy kettle bells and I have done that weight before. The deadlifts will be harder, but again, I have done that weight before and I know that I can physically do it. The thing that worries me is the floor wipers. I am not even 100% sure that I can hold that weight over my head long enough to do the movement. So that worries me. But I know that if I don’t step up and do it now, I am not going to. So even if my time is slow, even if I don’t finish, I am going to give it what I’ve got and hope that is enough. I am also nervous to get my body assessment done. I have not been doing very well. I have been eating pretty well, but I have not been 100% into it. So my weight has just been going up and down up and down. The last week I have figured it out, but it might be too little too late. And since I am trying not to let the scale have so much control over me, I might forgo the weigh in altogether. I know that if it is not what I want it to be, it is going to impact my workout. And the workout is really more important to me at this point. But we shall see. So I will hopefully have good news to post after Saturday and not let the end of this challenge justify falling off the wagon…for the millionth time! I am determined to get there this time, wherever there is.

Moving Closer

I am starting to get really excited about going to New York. I am ready to be back in school. I am ready to be taking classes that genuinely interest me. I am ready to be finished working a 9-5 for a while. I am ready to be in a new city having new adventures. I am ready to get out of my comfort zone for awhile and see what I am really made of. Of course, I am nervous. About 2 months ago I would have told you I was 50% excited and 50% terrified. I am no longer terrified, but I am still anxious about the challenges that I know are in store. I am going to miss my husband most of all. It is going to be difficult to be away from him for so long. But we have done it before, I am going to be tremendously busy, and he is so supportive. It will be hard, but I know we can survive a year. I am going to miss my parents and my cat and my friends and my gym!

Now that I am only a few months away from moving, I am trying to make the most out of the time I have in Austin. I am trying to step up my workouts, step up my nutrition. I want to get out and do all the things I love about Austin because I know I am going to miss doing them in New York. I just want to enjoy being here, right now, at this time in my life. Who knows what is in store down the road, but I am certainly ready to find out. I love my life and while I would be perfectly happy if nothing changed, I am thrilled to be given the chance to shake things up and change the course of my life forever.

Go Hard or Go Home!

There are now less than 3 weeks left in the Spartan Challenge. I will admit, I have not been as “into” it this year as I was last year. I am not sure what it is, but I don’t really feel any different than I do when I am not doing a challenge. I guess it is because I work out just the same and I give Zach my food logs like I was doing before. But I know this is a time to push myself. So with the realization that it is more than half way over and I don’t feel like I have a lot to show for it, I am going to make the next three weeks count.

What am I going to do, you ask? Well for starters:

No more diet soda! I have started to become too dependent on them (one every few days) and I don’t like it. So no more. Done! They make me feel blah and overly artificially sugared.

Watch less TV! I don’t watch a huge ungodly amount, but I know I could be using my time more wisely. It is too easy to mindlessly eat when I watch TV, so by cutting down I will kill two birds with one stone.

Stay away from the bulk veggies chips and Whole Foods ginger cookies! I can easily trick my mind into thinking these are healthy alternatives to junk food, but they aren’t. So I am going to do without them for the next three weeks in hopes of getting out of the habit of buying them.

Only get a salad from Whole Foods or Central Market once a week. This doesn’t seem like a big deal, but sometimes I get them 3 or 4 times a week. And in addition to being expensive, I eat more than I would if I made a salad at home. Also, I want to work on preparing my own meals, so getting away from these is important.

Be smart about my fat! Mike and Zach have both told me to up my fat, and I went a little crazy with it for awhile. Seriously. So instead of buying huge tubs of almond butter and pounds of almonds, I need to figure out some alternative to still get the fat I need without being tempted to over do it.

Last, but not least, work on pull ups and push ups every day! I want to get a pull up. Just one! And I want to get push ups on my toes. I have been lazy about working on these for whatever reason. Time to step it up.

So hopefully with these changes I will see good results in the next three weeks. I want to drop the weight without losing my strength, so I am going to really work on dialing in and making it happen!

Triathlon!

I did it! I completed my triathlon!!! In the cold and the wind and the mud. It felt so great! Let me recreate the experience for you:

Saturday brought with it ran and a “cold front.” I was worried that we would have to bike in the rain, which was really the only thing I was nervous about. Otherwise, I went and got my race number, checked out the free goodies, then went home to rest, eat well, and mentally prepare.

I woke up at 4 on Sunday morning in hopes of leaving my house by 5. I ate some oatmeal and almond butter, double checked to make sure I had everything, and was out the door. I got to the race site about 5:20 and there were already a ton of people there. Luckily it wasn’t raining, but the breeze was blowing and almost everyone had a sweater of some sort on. I got a spot on the end of the bike rack and set up my transition gear. This is when I thought I would get nervous, but I didn’t. I felt pretty ready for this race and just wanted to get it started! I got marked with my number and met up with my training buddies before heading down to the starting line. This was the coldest part of the day. The first heat went at 7 and I wasn’t scheduled to go till 7:20. So we were all standing around in our swimsuits, barefoot on the concrete waiting to get in the water. It seemed like forever as I watched people race around the markers in the water. Finally, it was my term and the water felt so warm compared to the air. But the wind was going pretty good, which made the water exceptionally choppy and you could actually see the current moving. We waded in to our necks and counted down to the start. 3…..2…1…


And it was on! I kept up with the front of my wave pretty well. I was certainly not the fastest, but I was moving along pretty good. Getting to the first buoy seemed to take forever. We were swimming against the current and it was a good 300 m from shore. Once we started swimming parallel to the sore, the current was in our favor and I just kept telling myself to keep moving. I switched it up between side stroke and breast stroke for the most part and tried to remind myself that every moment I was getting that much closer to the end. Finally we turned to head back to shore, and that was the worst part. We actually had to swim into the current and into the waves so every time you turned to take a breath, you had to be careful not to get hit in the face by a wave. People seemed to really be struggling with the swim and it is definitely a nerve wracking experience. The mass start at the beginning can really be a scary thing and once you get out in the deeper water, you can easily convince yourself you are going to go under at any moment. For me, the swim is more mental than physical and I just tried to keep myself calm and talk myself into getting to the next buoy.

After about 27 minutes, I came waltzing out of the water and started the long run up the hill to my transition site. Getting socks onto wet feet is a real chore! But I managed to get in and out and on to my bike is about 3 mins. Then I was off. The 12 mile bike ride was the thing I was most nervous about. It was a fairly hilly ride and my little hybrid mountain bike cannot keep up with the road bikes everyone else seemed to be riding. The first 4 miles were into the wind and along rolling hills. My legs were surprisingly tired after the swim and I was still dripping wet. For a moment, I began to wonder how I would get through it. But then I told myself this was only as difficult as I let it be, so I buckled down and rode as fast as I could. There was one hill in particular I was not looking forward to. You came down a hill, then took a sharp right into a steep incline. You had to slow enough to make the turn, but have enough speed to get up the hill. A lot of people walked it and they said it was probably the most dangerous section of the course. My goal for the ride was to not get off my bike and to make it up the hill. And I did! It was a quad killer, but I just kept turning my feet over and moving the wheel. This is also when I started my mantra that would last the rest of the race: This hill will not defeat me. I said it over and over again on the bike and on the big hill at the end of the run. This hill will not defeat me. Once I made it up that hill, the rest of the bike seemed a lot less intimidating. Although it took me about 55 minutes, I finished the bike ready to tackle the run.

Oh running. How I love it! Surprisingly, though, this was the part I was looking forward to. Once you start running, you are almost done and you are in total control of how well you finish. My goal was to not walk on the 5k. And…..I did it! I ran the whole wonderful thing. The first ½ mile was very very very muddy. My shoes were caked in mud after about 5 minutes and my feet were soaked and felt like they weighed 10 pounds each. But I promised myself I wouldn’t walk. So I kept running. There was only one serious hill to go up, and that was at the very end. I am glad I ran the course before race day because I knew what to expect. When I got to that hill, I knew how much energy I needed to conserve to make it to the finish. Again, I was not going to let the hill defeat me. There were a lot of people walking and it felt so good to pass them. I made it up the hill and knew I just had a little longer till the end.

I thought that I would be so exhausted when I crossed the finish line. But I felt really good. Like I could have gone longer. About 10 minutes later, my body caught up with me and my legs started bothering me a bit. But all in all, the whole thing was not as difficult as I thought. I may actually do the same course in 3 weeks when they have the Danskin now that I know what to expect and have a time to beat. Even today I feel fine. I think I may have been a little dehydrated so I am just trying to up my water intake, my body isn’t hurting or bruised and I am still pretty stoked that I did it. It was a great experience that I would highly encourage anyone to do. Everyone was so supportive and encouraging and it was very inspiring to see so many women of all ages and sizes getting out there and taking on something so challenging.

Congratulations to everyone who competed and I will see you out there again soon!

Use It

I just got home from doing the Spartan workout. This starts a 6 week challenge of keeping a workout and food log, sending it to my coach, and doing additional workouts. Today was the kick off and we did the benchmark workout and in 6 weeks we will do it again.

I like the workout. I did it in an ok time today. 17:38. Usually, I would feel great right after that workout. However, right now, I feel pretty low. I actually called my husband in the car on the way home crying about what a bad workout it was. It was not bad in terms of time or effort. But I should have gone heavier. For the last week I have been trying to figure out if I should do 65 pounds, which I knew I could do, or 95, which I knew would be a challenge. Always go for the challenge!!! How will I ever get better if I never push harder? I can come up with every excuse in the book. But at the end of the day, I am only going to be as strong, as fast, as fit as I let myself be.

I get frustrated that I work my ass off and don't see better results. For awhile I was starting to think my expectations were too high. Tonight I realized they are not high enough. I don't push myself far enough out of my comfort zone. Working out 6 days a week, 2 time a day does nothing for you if you are just going through the motions. I never really thought I was, but tonight was a wake up call. I HATE feeling like I am a disappointment. To others and to myself. But I have to stop being afraid. Afraid of not being good enough. Of looking stupid. Of being judged. Of everything.

When we did our body assessment tonight, I didn't look at my weight. I am pretty good about dropping pounds during challenges, but I don't want to focus on that this time. I don't want the scale to be my measure of success anymore. I don't want to be just good enough anymore.

A wise guy told me the other night that you get back what you put out in to the world. When you focus on the "I don't want" and the "I hate it when" you draw it back into you. You make a reality what you were trying to avoid. So instead, let me rephrase the above ideas. I am going to focus on getting stronger and getting leaner. I am going to let the pain and discomfort be an indication of my progress and push through. Most importantly, I am going to blow myself away with how far I can go and not settle until I get there.

Crossfit

Every morning, at the stroke of five,
My alarm goes off and I get ready to drive,
In the dark and the cold and sometimes the wet,
To that infamous box just North on Burnet.

While others lay sleeping, I’m well on my way,
Anxiously waiting to see the workout of the day.
Will it be deadlifts or thrusters? Box jumps or a row?
When you walk into the gym, you just never know.

Will it will capitalize on your weakness or play up your skills,
But before you can worry, we start warm up drills.
“Butt lower. Knees higher.” echoes through the room.
“Wake up people,” we hear coach’s voice boom.

The clock begins: as many rounds as you can.
Today I’m just happy we aren’t doing “Fran.”
We lunge and we squat, we do pull ups chest to the bar.
People who drive by stop to gawk from afar.

You don't always finish the workouts you begin,
Everyone fights to get one more rep done.
“Time” is called and we all drop to the floor.
Sweaty and blistered, bloody and sore.

But tomorrow I know I’ll be at it again,
Because it hurts so good and you leave with new friends.
Without it I don’t know just how I’d survive,
Because there is nothing like crossfit to let you know you are alive.