Sometimes the moments we feel most lost are the ones in which we find ourselves

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Up a lot....and not in a good way

I broke down and bought a scale yesterday. It has seriously been over 6 weeks since I last weighed myself and I was dreading it. The last week I have really tried to be more aware of what I am eating, but I know the damage was already done. But being scared is not a good enough reason to continue to live in ignorance, so I got on. It was bad. Not as bad as I feared it might be, but bad. Lets just say that I was at my lowest at the end of I am Crossfit in March. Since then, I am up 23 pounds. Are you kidding me? That is ridiculous. I could make up every excuse in the book about why it happened, that I gained muscle and that I was sick and was in transition and blah blah blah. The point is that it is a slippery slippery slope back into an old life that I thought I had long put behind me. It only goes to show you cannot get comfortable, cannot be lax in your commitment.

Like I said, the last week has been better. I worked out 4 times last week in addition to walking a million miles. I hooked up with a new crossfit affiliate, Crossfit Gotham, and look forward to getting my butt kicked with them a few times a week. But really, the major problem in the food. I finally stopped drinking diet soda after a few weeks of indulgence. And I have eliminated the mindless snacking in between meals. If I can just clean up my meals, I will be ok. I just have to remind myself that it is ok if I am not 100% like I was at home. If I eat some toast, that doesn't mean I have ruined my day and/or give me permission to eat like crap for the rest of the day.

I know I can do this. Not just for myself, but for all the people who have put time/effort/energy/love into helping me get my life on track.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy Jane

At one of my last workouts with Crossfit Central, the eternal optimist Andy told me I was lazy. I was appalled. Me? Lazy? Do you see me busting my ass out here every day? Lugging my less than slim frame up and down the black top, pushing beyond my limits. I argued vehemently that I was not lazy, and stayed after class to run 6 400m sprints just to prove my point.

Fast-forward 4 weeks...and I am lazy. Yeah, yeah. I am in a transitional phase. So what? I don't have a refrigerator or kitchen. So what? Why does that give me permission to make poor choices? There is always a good alternative and a bad one, and I have been allowing myself way too much slack. I have worked out maybe 5 times since I have moved here. I am tired. I have too much homework. My schedule just doesn't fit. I hate running. All of these things pop into my mind. I let them justify not doing the work I have to. it is easier to grab a muffin and head to the library than it is to take 15 minutes and sit down and eat a descent breakfast. It is easier to grab a sandwich at the deli than to find a place with a good salad. The easy way out doesn't cut it.

My clothes are NOTICEABLY tighter, and since I didn't bring my scale with me (gasp!) that is a good enough indicator for me that I am not moving in the right direction. I do not want my body to be neglected as I attempt to expand my mind. No expansion of the waist line!

So tomorrow I am starting fresh. I am getting up and going for a run. Then I am showing and going to eat a breakfast of 2 eggs, some fruit, maybe a piece of toast and some coffee. Then I am heading to the library to write a paper that I would rather not have to think about. Then I am going to come back here to the dining hall and make a good, balanced salad for lunch. I will then return to the library with an apple and almond butter in tow, go to class, get home about 9, eat a sensible dinner, and go to bed at a reasonable hour. All the while drinking enough water, avoiding diet soda and mindless snacking.

This seems easy enough and it is something that I previously took for granted being able to do. I have fallen back on bad habits and I know it will be work to break myself of them. But i would be mortified if I came back to CC in worse shape than I left. I would be disappointed in myself for letting all that work be for nothing and for ignoring what I know is good for my body and soul.

So tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start at continuing something I started 3 years ago now. I know it is a life long struggle, but I am ready to reach a place where I am really happy with myself. I am almost there. I can feel it.

I will no longer be lazy!!!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Some Observations

Some things I have thus far observed about New York City:

1. You cannot dress for the weather. You will always be cold in the shade and hot in the sun. The rain boots and tights you rocked in the morning will look ridiculous by the time you get out of class and the sun has dried up every indication of rain.

2. There are police everywhere.

3. If you are a female and you pass a male standing/sitting on the side of the street, there is a 95% chance he will make some sort of comment to you. Regardless of what you are wearing or look like. There is an even greater chance this comment will make no sense, but you will undoubtedly know what is intended.

4. Even though New York is very fast paced, you have to have a lot of patience to live here.

5. As long as a car is more than 10 feet away, it is perfectly acceptable to walk in front of it. Even if they have a green light and are a speeding trash truck.

6. When you get onto a crowded subway car, you will know who the locals are. They are the ones complaining how they don't have any room or how your bag is touching them. You would think they would be used to it.

7. Do not, under any circumstances, get into the black cabs with no clear identification.

8. There is a fortunate lack of blonds here.

9. You need cash, and a lot of it. Get out as much as possible whenever you can.

10. If you are a germaphobe, agoraphobe, xenophobe, or claustrophobic, you will not do well here.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

NYC and Me

A little more about where I am...

I am starting my Masters at Teachers College, Columbia in Comparative Education. More on that latter. But for the next year, I will be living in this city known as NYC. I am about 2 blocks from campus which is just south of Harlem proper, but still very much Manhattan. There is so much street culture here, it is amazing. Everywhere I walk, and I do walk a lot, has such wonderful sights and sounds and smells. Ok, not all of the smells are great. This place is definitely an assault on the nose. But you get the idea. Wonderful flower shops and markets and bookstores and bakeries.

Ahhh...the bakeries. The food in general here is amazing. There are endless local restaurants and it is so refreshing to be in a place that doesn't have fast food and big chairs on every corner. This is indeed a blessing and a curse. Great to have such a variety. Bad because it makes you want to eat out all the time. Everything is expensive here, which is to be expected. So you can really go through a lot of money pretty fast if you are not careful. Plus, there are the usual pitfalls of eating out.

I have had a difficult time adjusting my eating here. My situation now is that I do not have kitchen or a refrigerator. Hopefully I will get a fridge soon, but the kitchen situation is no going to change. The dining hall here is fairly nice, and I have gotten in the habit of eating 2 of my 3 meals a day there. Breakfast is easy. 2 eggs and some fruit or toast. Then lunch and/or dinner I try to have some grilled protein and veggies or a big salad. For the first week or so I was fairly out of control. My schedule was all messed up and I was just grabbing whatever was most convenient. I can feel the effects of that. My clothes are all much tighter and my body in general does not feel in top form. So for the past few days I have really tried to get things into perspective. No, I cannot be as hardcore about being paleo or zoning here as I could at home. But that doesn't mean I cannot make smart choices. If I eat a piece of toast with my eggs in the morning, ok. As long as that is not followed with a bag of chips at lunch and a big cookie for dinner. It is going to take me a while to work out all the details, but I am proud of myself for trying my best to figure this out.

What about workouts, you ask?

Well, i contacted a crossfit gym here, so i am just waiting to hear back from them. Like I have said before, i am not sure how much time and money I am going to have to workout at a box, but I really want to try to make it work. For the first week, didn't do any workouts. Yes, I was walking 6 miles a day, but I don't count that. So on Tuesday a friend of mine and I went to Riverside Park, which is right across the street from me, and ran a good 3 miles or so. In between, we did some sit ups, burpees, and plank. It was really fun to be outside in a new environment doing all the movements we do int he gym. Then this morning, I went for about a mile run, and did 100 sit ups, 50 push ups, and 25 burpees. The weather here is so great that I really have no excuse not to be outside enjoying it while I can.

So I am going to try to get in a good run 2 times a week, a real WOD 3 times, and then just play around with other movements when I get the chance. I know it is a slippery slope to undoing all the hard work I have done thus far. I certainly am not going to let that happen. It is going to be a difficult transition into being healthy and fit in my new home, away from all my routines, familiarities, comfort, and support. But I am determined to make it happen. This ear I will better my mind and body, with a little bit of soul searching too.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It Has Begun!!!

I haven't written in awhile and I am now a whole week into my New York experience! Crazy. I promise to write more, as there is a lot going on. But for now, this is what I wrote on the plane ride over here:

The time has finally come. i am sitting on the plane headed for New York City. The experience thus far has been surreal. I haven't felt a lot of build up or anticipation. I am not particularly anxious or nervous. I am just doing it. Living in the moment. Trying to deal with things as they come.

I think this has something to do with the fact that I am 25. Not that that is terribly old or something. But I certainly have a perspective on life that I didn't have when I was in college. I used to plan and organize for situations like this weeks in advance. Write and re-write lists and things I had to accomplish. I would get so nervous about the upcoming flight of move or change that it would consume me for long time beforehand. This time things feel different. I am so sad to leave Keith and my parents. Even saying goodbye to my cat, Romo made me cry. and you would think that going off on my own to NYC would be clear cause for panic, fear, paranoia. But I feel pretty calm.

I know the next year will be amazing and difficult and bring with it experiences I cannot even predict or anticipate. So why try to see into the future? I would easily get overwhlemed if I started to think about all the things that I have to organize and finalize and figure out in the next few weeks, so why let it ruin my time? Of course this is easy to say now, before things have even begun. But I really feel like I am going to just soak it all in. Live my life. Enjoy every moment of it and take advantage of every opportunity.

So if you are interested in keeping up to date on my adventures, follies, and general state of mind, check back often. Wish me luck and come visit!!!