Work Harder

I was talking to my dear friend Jessica last night and she reminded me of something so simple, yet extremely important: sometimes you just have to work harder. There are times when we feel like we are eating well and working out, but we are just not getting the results we need. Why haven't I lost weight? Why doesn't this run feel easier? Why is my energy level still so low? The answer is that if you are doing everything correctly, you will see results. Period. It is pretty much impossible to eat clean, workout hard, get enough sleep and drink enough water and still not fee great. If you are not at the place you want to be, you must work harder. If you are eating well 90% of the time, bump it up to 95%. If you get in three solid workouts a week, add a fourth. If you haven't cut out diet soda from your diet, but wonder why you don't feel amazing, go two weeks without one and see how it feels. Sometimes we feel like we are doing enough, but it simply isn't enough. Push harder. Dig deeper. Gain more focus and determination and get the job done.

Progress

My week 1 weight goal was met. 3 pounds. I am aiming for 3 pounds for the next 3 weeks till I go home. Then I can start the summer on the right foot and it will push me that much harder to finish this thing already. This September will make it 4 years since I started to get healthy, and while I have made big changes, there is still a ways to go. So my goal for next week is another 3 pounds, which I know I can do if I get in my workout and eat at least somewhat rationally.

I didn't work out as much this week as I had planned due to illness. But I am on the mend, so hope to get in a good one in the next day or two.

I am nervous about going home for the summer and getting back into crossfit. It has been a long time and I know I have lost a lot of ground since I left. But fear is no longer enough to stop me from doing the things I know I need to get done, so I will be back at it in June.

Love/Hate Realtionship

This picture captures my post run sentiments.

My love/hate relationship with running continued tonight. I have not been on top of things as far as running goes and my cardio is noticeably not where it used to be. Which isn't saying much if you know how much I dislike running. It is not so much that I don't like running. I actually love the idea of it and the feeling I get afterwards. It is just the running part that gets me. But I know the only way to improve is to work on it. So tonight I did the .com workout from the other day, which was 400m repeats with 90 seconds in between. I was not sprinting, but my times were a lot better than I thought they would be. A 10 minute mile is pretty standard for me, so my times were more or less in line with that.

2:41
2:40
2:37
2:36
2:32
2:29
2:28
2:22

The treadmill is a little tricky to do something like this on, because you set it at a speed and you hold to it. So I think it would have taken more effort and my times would have been faster if I had more control over my speed. But all in all it felt good. In total I did 3 miles tonight, which is more than I have done in a long time. Forward motion.

Words to Live By

I got a few words of wisdom from Zac yesterday. He is always there to check my on my BS, which I sincerely appreciate. To sum up, he told me to buck up, do what I know I can do, and don't be that person who gives up before they are finished.

It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Visit sicfit.com for more Videos

I Love this Pain

So I have been a bit of a Debbie-Downer as of late, but I think I am on the road to shaking it off. I have logged all my food for the last 3 weeks and it has really helped me stay accountable and realize what what I am putting in my body. It is nice to be able to look back and say, "Wow, I really should have had more protein today" or realize that perhaps the reason I was in a bad mood was because I was coming off a sugar high from my huge-ass cookie. But the other nice thing is that I have eaten a lot cleaner since I started writing things down. It just makes you want to have a good day on paper, a day to be proud of instead of a regret.

My non-crossfit workouts have been on point. I am running on my own twice a week, working out on the elliptical (I know I know) with a friend twice a week, have an hour long pilates class and do weights a few times a week. I am working on my push-ups and can tell a real difference when I keep up with them and when I am slacking.

Crossfit, on the other hand, has been suffering. I am trying to work it out, but I have really hit a wall. A huge, Great Wall of China wall and I am trying to figure out the best plan of attack. This is what I think I am most in a funk about, because it feels like a big part of my life is missing and/or no longer makes sense.

But I am trying to keep a positive attitude and be grateful for the things that are going well in life. I will be back in Austin mid-March for a week and a half and I can't wait to seem my husband, friends family and cat!

Up a lot....and not in a good way

I broke down and bought a scale yesterday. It has seriously been over 6 weeks since I last weighed myself and I was dreading it. The last week I have really tried to be more aware of what I am eating, but I know the damage was already done. But being scared is not a good enough reason to continue to live in ignorance, so I got on. It was bad. Not as bad as I feared it might be, but bad. Lets just say that I was at my lowest at the end of I am Crossfit in March. Since then, I am up 23 pounds. Are you kidding me? That is ridiculous. I could make up every excuse in the book about why it happened, that I gained muscle and that I was sick and was in transition and blah blah blah. The point is that it is a slippery slippery slope back into an old life that I thought I had long put behind me. It only goes to show you cannot get comfortable, cannot be lax in your commitment.

Like I said, the last week has been better. I worked out 4 times last week in addition to walking a million miles. I hooked up with a new crossfit affiliate, Crossfit Gotham, and look forward to getting my butt kicked with them a few times a week. But really, the major problem in the food. I finally stopped drinking diet soda after a few weeks of indulgence. And I have eliminated the mindless snacking in between meals. If I can just clean up my meals, I will be ok. I just have to remind myself that it is ok if I am not 100% like I was at home. If I eat some toast, that doesn't mean I have ruined my day and/or give me permission to eat like crap for the rest of the day.

I know I can do this. Not just for myself, but for all the people who have put time/effort/energy/love into helping me get my life on track.

NYC and Me

A little more about where I am...

I am starting my Masters at Teachers College, Columbia in Comparative Education. More on that latter. But for the next year, I will be living in this city known as NYC. I am about 2 blocks from campus which is just south of Harlem proper, but still very much Manhattan. There is so much street culture here, it is amazing. Everywhere I walk, and I do walk a lot, has such wonderful sights and sounds and smells. Ok, not all of the smells are great. This place is definitely an assault on the nose. But you get the idea. Wonderful flower shops and markets and bookstores and bakeries.

Ahhh...the bakeries. The food in general here is amazing. There are endless local restaurants and it is so refreshing to be in a place that doesn't have fast food and big chairs on every corner. This is indeed a blessing and a curse. Great to have such a variety. Bad because it makes you want to eat out all the time. Everything is expensive here, which is to be expected. So you can really go through a lot of money pretty fast if you are not careful. Plus, there are the usual pitfalls of eating out.

I have had a difficult time adjusting my eating here. My situation now is that I do not have kitchen or a refrigerator. Hopefully I will get a fridge soon, but the kitchen situation is no going to change. The dining hall here is fairly nice, and I have gotten in the habit of eating 2 of my 3 meals a day there. Breakfast is easy. 2 eggs and some fruit or toast. Then lunch and/or dinner I try to have some grilled protein and veggies or a big salad. For the first week or so I was fairly out of control. My schedule was all messed up and I was just grabbing whatever was most convenient. I can feel the effects of that. My clothes are all much tighter and my body in general does not feel in top form. So for the past few days I have really tried to get things into perspective. No, I cannot be as hardcore about being paleo or zoning here as I could at home. But that doesn't mean I cannot make smart choices. If I eat a piece of toast with my eggs in the morning, ok. As long as that is not followed with a bag of chips at lunch and a big cookie for dinner. It is going to take me a while to work out all the details, but I am proud of myself for trying my best to figure this out.

What about workouts, you ask?

Well, i contacted a crossfit gym here, so i am just waiting to hear back from them. Like I have said before, i am not sure how much time and money I am going to have to workout at a box, but I really want to try to make it work. For the first week, didn't do any workouts. Yes, I was walking 6 miles a day, but I don't count that. So on Tuesday a friend of mine and I went to Riverside Park, which is right across the street from me, and ran a good 3 miles or so. In between, we did some sit ups, burpees, and plank. It was really fun to be outside in a new environment doing all the movements we do int he gym. Then this morning, I went for about a mile run, and did 100 sit ups, 50 push ups, and 25 burpees. The weather here is so great that I really have no excuse not to be outside enjoying it while I can.

So I am going to try to get in a good run 2 times a week, a real WOD 3 times, and then just play around with other movements when I get the chance. I know it is a slippery slope to undoing all the hard work I have done thus far. I certainly am not going to let that happen. It is going to be a difficult transition into being healthy and fit in my new home, away from all my routines, familiarities, comfort, and support. But I am determined to make it happen. This ear I will better my mind and body, with a little bit of soul searching too.

Forward Motion

Looking back on where we have been can often be a great way to put the present into perspective. I often get down about my progress, or lack there of. I didn’t do that fast enough or I didn’t go heavy enough or I shouldn’t have eaten that cookie or I wish I could lose the last 10 pounds. Too many negative, self-deprecating thoughts will only lead to continued failure.

It is hard for me to be objective about myself, my body and abilities. I often don’t give myself enough credit or rejoice in my accomplishments. So today I decided to post a “Before/During” picture. I do not call this an “After” because I see my life as a continual journey. But it does show how far I have come and that there is a lot for me to be proud of.

Many of you have seen the before, which was taken spring break my senior year of college. The during pic was taken at the start of the Spartan 300 Challenge in May of this year. I put them side by side mostly to show myself, without a shadow of a doubt, that I have been successful. I have made progress and regardless of how slow and difficult the road has been, it has been worth every minute and drop of sweat. Although I look forward to the day when I can post a picture that makes the one from this year look like a different person, I am happy with where I am and know that I have been through something that many people will never experience. If I am strong enough to make the commitment to change my life, I am strong enough to continue to make the smart choices to keep me here. Forward motion, right? Forward motion.

Spartan 300!

The final Spartan 300 workout is on Saturday! I am not excited and nervous about it. I am nervous because I am going to do 95 pounds instead of 65. The only things this will impact is my deadlifts, floor wipers, and increase the weight of my kettle bell. I am not worried about the increase in kettle bell weight because I really enjoy kettle bells and I have done that weight before. The deadlifts will be harder, but again, I have done that weight before and I know that I can physically do it. The thing that worries me is the floor wipers. I am not even 100% sure that I can hold that weight over my head long enough to do the movement. So that worries me. But I know that if I don’t step up and do it now, I am not going to. So even if my time is slow, even if I don’t finish, I am going to give it what I’ve got and hope that is enough. I am also nervous to get my body assessment done. I have not been doing very well. I have been eating pretty well, but I have not been 100% into it. So my weight has just been going up and down up and down. The last week I have figured it out, but it might be too little too late. And since I am trying not to let the scale have so much control over me, I might forgo the weigh in altogether. I know that if it is not what I want it to be, it is going to impact my workout. And the workout is really more important to me at this point. But we shall see. So I will hopefully have good news to post after Saturday and not let the end of this challenge justify falling off the wagon…for the millionth time! I am determined to get there this time, wherever there is.

Moving Closer

I am starting to get really excited about going to New York. I am ready to be back in school. I am ready to be taking classes that genuinely interest me. I am ready to be finished working a 9-5 for a while. I am ready to be in a new city having new adventures. I am ready to get out of my comfort zone for awhile and see what I am really made of. Of course, I am nervous. About 2 months ago I would have told you I was 50% excited and 50% terrified. I am no longer terrified, but I am still anxious about the challenges that I know are in store. I am going to miss my husband most of all. It is going to be difficult to be away from him for so long. But we have done it before, I am going to be tremendously busy, and he is so supportive. It will be hard, but I know we can survive a year. I am going to miss my parents and my cat and my friends and my gym!

Now that I am only a few months away from moving, I am trying to make the most out of the time I have in Austin. I am trying to step up my workouts, step up my nutrition. I want to get out and do all the things I love about Austin because I know I am going to miss doing them in New York. I just want to enjoy being here, right now, at this time in my life. Who knows what is in store down the road, but I am certainly ready to find out. I love my life and while I would be perfectly happy if nothing changed, I am thrilled to be given the chance to shake things up and change the course of my life forever.

Go Hard or Go Home!

There are now less than 3 weeks left in the Spartan Challenge. I will admit, I have not been as “into” it this year as I was last year. I am not sure what it is, but I don’t really feel any different than I do when I am not doing a challenge. I guess it is because I work out just the same and I give Zach my food logs like I was doing before. But I know this is a time to push myself. So with the realization that it is more than half way over and I don’t feel like I have a lot to show for it, I am going to make the next three weeks count.

What am I going to do, you ask? Well for starters:

No more diet soda! I have started to become too dependent on them (one every few days) and I don’t like it. So no more. Done! They make me feel blah and overly artificially sugared.

Watch less TV! I don’t watch a huge ungodly amount, but I know I could be using my time more wisely. It is too easy to mindlessly eat when I watch TV, so by cutting down I will kill two birds with one stone.

Stay away from the bulk veggies chips and Whole Foods ginger cookies! I can easily trick my mind into thinking these are healthy alternatives to junk food, but they aren’t. So I am going to do without them for the next three weeks in hopes of getting out of the habit of buying them.

Only get a salad from Whole Foods or Central Market once a week. This doesn’t seem like a big deal, but sometimes I get them 3 or 4 times a week. And in addition to being expensive, I eat more than I would if I made a salad at home. Also, I want to work on preparing my own meals, so getting away from these is important.

Be smart about my fat! Mike and Zach have both told me to up my fat, and I went a little crazy with it for awhile. Seriously. So instead of buying huge tubs of almond butter and pounds of almonds, I need to figure out some alternative to still get the fat I need without being tempted to over do it.

Last, but not least, work on pull ups and push ups every day! I want to get a pull up. Just one! And I want to get push ups on my toes. I have been lazy about working on these for whatever reason. Time to step it up.

So hopefully with these changes I will see good results in the next three weeks. I want to drop the weight without losing my strength, so I am going to really work on dialing in and making it happen!

Triathlon!

I did it! I completed my triathlon!!! In the cold and the wind and the mud. It felt so great! Let me recreate the experience for you:

Saturday brought with it ran and a “cold front.” I was worried that we would have to bike in the rain, which was really the only thing I was nervous about. Otherwise, I went and got my race number, checked out the free goodies, then went home to rest, eat well, and mentally prepare.

I woke up at 4 on Sunday morning in hopes of leaving my house by 5. I ate some oatmeal and almond butter, double checked to make sure I had everything, and was out the door. I got to the race site about 5:20 and there were already a ton of people there. Luckily it wasn’t raining, but the breeze was blowing and almost everyone had a sweater of some sort on. I got a spot on the end of the bike rack and set up my transition gear. This is when I thought I would get nervous, but I didn’t. I felt pretty ready for this race and just wanted to get it started! I got marked with my number and met up with my training buddies before heading down to the starting line. This was the coldest part of the day. The first heat went at 7 and I wasn’t scheduled to go till 7:20. So we were all standing around in our swimsuits, barefoot on the concrete waiting to get in the water. It seemed like forever as I watched people race around the markers in the water. Finally, it was my term and the water felt so warm compared to the air. But the wind was going pretty good, which made the water exceptionally choppy and you could actually see the current moving. We waded in to our necks and counted down to the start. 3…..2…1…


And it was on! I kept up with the front of my wave pretty well. I was certainly not the fastest, but I was moving along pretty good. Getting to the first buoy seemed to take forever. We were swimming against the current and it was a good 300 m from shore. Once we started swimming parallel to the sore, the current was in our favor and I just kept telling myself to keep moving. I switched it up between side stroke and breast stroke for the most part and tried to remind myself that every moment I was getting that much closer to the end. Finally we turned to head back to shore, and that was the worst part. We actually had to swim into the current and into the waves so every time you turned to take a breath, you had to be careful not to get hit in the face by a wave. People seemed to really be struggling with the swim and it is definitely a nerve wracking experience. The mass start at the beginning can really be a scary thing and once you get out in the deeper water, you can easily convince yourself you are going to go under at any moment. For me, the swim is more mental than physical and I just tried to keep myself calm and talk myself into getting to the next buoy.

After about 27 minutes, I came waltzing out of the water and started the long run up the hill to my transition site. Getting socks onto wet feet is a real chore! But I managed to get in and out and on to my bike is about 3 mins. Then I was off. The 12 mile bike ride was the thing I was most nervous about. It was a fairly hilly ride and my little hybrid mountain bike cannot keep up with the road bikes everyone else seemed to be riding. The first 4 miles were into the wind and along rolling hills. My legs were surprisingly tired after the swim and I was still dripping wet. For a moment, I began to wonder how I would get through it. But then I told myself this was only as difficult as I let it be, so I buckled down and rode as fast as I could. There was one hill in particular I was not looking forward to. You came down a hill, then took a sharp right into a steep incline. You had to slow enough to make the turn, but have enough speed to get up the hill. A lot of people walked it and they said it was probably the most dangerous section of the course. My goal for the ride was to not get off my bike and to make it up the hill. And I did! It was a quad killer, but I just kept turning my feet over and moving the wheel. This is also when I started my mantra that would last the rest of the race: This hill will not defeat me. I said it over and over again on the bike and on the big hill at the end of the run. This hill will not defeat me. Once I made it up that hill, the rest of the bike seemed a lot less intimidating. Although it took me about 55 minutes, I finished the bike ready to tackle the run.

Oh running. How I love it! Surprisingly, though, this was the part I was looking forward to. Once you start running, you are almost done and you are in total control of how well you finish. My goal was to not walk on the 5k. And…..I did it! I ran the whole wonderful thing. The first ½ mile was very very very muddy. My shoes were caked in mud after about 5 minutes and my feet were soaked and felt like they weighed 10 pounds each. But I promised myself I wouldn’t walk. So I kept running. There was only one serious hill to go up, and that was at the very end. I am glad I ran the course before race day because I knew what to expect. When I got to that hill, I knew how much energy I needed to conserve to make it to the finish. Again, I was not going to let the hill defeat me. There were a lot of people walking and it felt so good to pass them. I made it up the hill and knew I just had a little longer till the end.

I thought that I would be so exhausted when I crossed the finish line. But I felt really good. Like I could have gone longer. About 10 minutes later, my body caught up with me and my legs started bothering me a bit. But all in all, the whole thing was not as difficult as I thought. I may actually do the same course in 3 weeks when they have the Danskin now that I know what to expect and have a time to beat. Even today I feel fine. I think I may have been a little dehydrated so I am just trying to up my water intake, my body isn’t hurting or bruised and I am still pretty stoked that I did it. It was a great experience that I would highly encourage anyone to do. Everyone was so supportive and encouraging and it was very inspiring to see so many women of all ages and sizes getting out there and taking on something so challenging.

Congratulations to everyone who competed and I will see you out there again soon!

Use It

I just got home from doing the Spartan workout. This starts a 6 week challenge of keeping a workout and food log, sending it to my coach, and doing additional workouts. Today was the kick off and we did the benchmark workout and in 6 weeks we will do it again.

I like the workout. I did it in an ok time today. 17:38. Usually, I would feel great right after that workout. However, right now, I feel pretty low. I actually called my husband in the car on the way home crying about what a bad workout it was. It was not bad in terms of time or effort. But I should have gone heavier. For the last week I have been trying to figure out if I should do 65 pounds, which I knew I could do, or 95, which I knew would be a challenge. Always go for the challenge!!! How will I ever get better if I never push harder? I can come up with every excuse in the book. But at the end of the day, I am only going to be as strong, as fast, as fit as I let myself be.

I get frustrated that I work my ass off and don't see better results. For awhile I was starting to think my expectations were too high. Tonight I realized they are not high enough. I don't push myself far enough out of my comfort zone. Working out 6 days a week, 2 time a day does nothing for you if you are just going through the motions. I never really thought I was, but tonight was a wake up call. I HATE feeling like I am a disappointment. To others and to myself. But I have to stop being afraid. Afraid of not being good enough. Of looking stupid. Of being judged. Of everything.

When we did our body assessment tonight, I didn't look at my weight. I am pretty good about dropping pounds during challenges, but I don't want to focus on that this time. I don't want the scale to be my measure of success anymore. I don't want to be just good enough anymore.

A wise guy told me the other night that you get back what you put out in to the world. When you focus on the "I don't want" and the "I hate it when" you draw it back into you. You make a reality what you were trying to avoid. So instead, let me rephrase the above ideas. I am going to focus on getting stronger and getting leaner. I am going to let the pain and discomfort be an indication of my progress and push through. Most importantly, I am going to blow myself away with how far I can go and not settle until I get there.

Crossfit

Every morning, at the stroke of five,
My alarm goes off and I get ready to drive,
In the dark and the cold and sometimes the wet,
To that infamous box just North on Burnet.

While others lay sleeping, I’m well on my way,
Anxiously waiting to see the workout of the day.
Will it be deadlifts or thrusters? Box jumps or a row?
When you walk into the gym, you just never know.

Will it will capitalize on your weakness or play up your skills,
But before you can worry, we start warm up drills.
“Butt lower. Knees higher.” echoes through the room.
“Wake up people,” we hear coach’s voice boom.

The clock begins: as many rounds as you can.
Today I’m just happy we aren’t doing “Fran.”
We lunge and we squat, we do pull ups chest to the bar.
People who drive by stop to gawk from afar.

You don't always finish the workouts you begin,
Everyone fights to get one more rep done.
“Time” is called and we all drop to the floor.
Sweaty and blistered, bloody and sore.

But tomorrow I know I’ll be at it again,
Because it hurts so good and you leave with new friends.
Without it I don’t know just how I’d survive,
Because there is nothing like crossfit to let you know you are alive.