Sometimes the moments we feel most lost are the ones in which we find ourselves

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Me, Myself and I

I sometimes worry I am counting on those around me a little too much. Don't get me wrong. I need support from those I love and it feels great to know that I have such a strong and diverse network of people behind me. But I know it comes down to me in the end. With a move away from Austin and crossfit central looming in the not so distant future, I have started to think more and more about "doing it on my own." No gym. No trainers. No fancy equipment. No husband. Nobody to hold me accountable but me. I need to learn to make choices on my own, motivate myself, kick my own butt into gear. I am going to try to work on that the next few months, at the same time knowing that I have a great safety net in case I fall.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Counting my almonds

Today is the start of something amazing. That is what I am telling myself. Starting today, I am going to be 100% on the Zone for 8 weeks. I am going to measure everything and not allow myself even an inch of wiggle room. I have shown myself that wiggle room doesn’t work for me and that the only way to get the results I want is to dedicate 100% to it. I am about to start my triathlon training on top of doing crossfit 5 days a week. My body cannot afford to be fueled by anything but the most efficient and beneficial foods possible. So no more small cheats. No more big cheats. No more grabbing a handful of almonds or mindlessly consuming a bag of popcorn. I am done. I am so tired of working my tail off only to feel like I am not getting to where I want to be. I know that I need to work on my relationship to food and the way I think about success. But in the mean time, I need to be proactive about moving things forward. At the end of 8 weeks, having been 100% faithful to my workouts and eating, I hope to be purely satisfied with where I am. I am not going to put a number on it or set a specific goal. I just want to feel like I did everything I could to make change happen. I do not like feeling out of control or that I am fated to live a life of cycles of binging and dieting. I need to find the happy balance, but I think that will only come once I am satisfied with my progress. I am not happy about where I am physically at this point. Happy with how far I have come, of course. But not with my current progress. So 8 weeks it is. Without someone reviewing my food logs and being accountable only to myself. I am confident in being able to make this happen and I just need to take it one day at a time, one challenge at a time.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I am Healthy and I Make Wise Choices

Wednesday brought with it an existential crisis, or sorts. Like my previous post states, I ate well this past weekend, but still saw a 3 pound gain on Monday. I know this was not a real 3 pounds. Much of it can be attributed water retention and normal fluctuations. But it never fails that when this happens, I automatically think, “Well why did I just work so hard to be so good if I am just going to gain weight anyway? Why not just eat poorly and gain weight?” I am slowly getting better about fighting off this thought. But it is hard. Often times, this develops into a week long binge and an additional 3 pound gain. I know this is the cycle. I recognize it and I know how it develops. I suppose that is the first step. Now I just have to prevent it from happening.

Needless to say, this week I was not very good at fighting it off. I went out for St. Patrick’s day drinks and tex-mex with a friend and then proceeded to crave all kinds of junk the next day. I went out, got my biggest weakness chocolate nut crunch, from Central Market, and ate a good half a pound of it. Then I wrote Zach a long self-pitying email about why I have an issue with food. I know that when I cheat once, I am much more prone to do it again. And again. And the next thing I know I have just undone what took me a month to accomplish. I am sure other people experience this, but in my case it literally is that disastrous. I can eat and eat and eat and eat until I am sick, and then eat some more. That first cookie is great, but the second one is even better.

So how do I solve this? DON’T EAT THE FIRST COOKIE!!! I wish I were the type of person who could just indulge every now and then and not have it impact them in any significant way. But I’m not. And I know it. Of course I am going to have moments when I give in or “allow” myself a small treat. But I need to try harder about not giving into that and controlling it when it does happen. Also realizing that if I do eat a cookie, it is ok. One cookie will not kill me. When it leads to 3 or 4 or 12, that is the problem. I think if I try to not to be so hard on myself when I slip up, I will be less likely to punish myself with eating till I am bursting with guilt and needless calories.

All of this is to say that I didn’t have a week long calorie-fest this time. Maybe a 2 day one. Then Zachary set me straight. I am healthy and I make wise choices. This is my new mantra. I printed it out and taped it on my desk, my mirror, my refrigerator, and the dashboard of my car. It has actually helped. Those little bites of blizzard or stealing one french fry really make a difference for me. And if I can learn to control or at least prevent this from happening, I think I will be ok.

My workouts the last 3 days have been good and so has my eating. I know it takes time, but I hope I am getting the hang of this thing called “healthy living.”

Thanks a lot to Zach and Mike for talking me down from my calorie induced pity party. You guys are the best!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Keep on Truckin'

This week has started off well. I had a good weekend as far as eating goes. I think I did a good job allowing myself some higher calorie and higher carb indulgences without going crazy. That is always a hard thing for me as I tend to be an all or nothing kind of girl. The last two days I have had good workouts. Monday we did thrusters, burpees, and knees to elbows. I finished around 16 mins, and should have gone heavier. Prescribed weight was 65 and I did 55. 65 would have given me a slower time, but I need to just go for it. The burpees were surprisingly not as junky as they sometimes are and I think I am getting the hang of landing with your feet wide so that you land on your flat foot as opposed to your toes.

This morning we had an 800m run, 4 rounds of 25 push ups, 25 deadlifts (115 lbs), 25 double-unders (50 regular), and 25 sit ups then finish up with another 800m run. I haven’t been running much on my own as of late so as much as I groaned about it, I was glad to have to run. I am going to try to get in 2 solid days of running a week and with triathlon training starting next week, that shouldn’t be too hard.

My goals for the rest of this week are as follows:
1-Push the weight in Wednesday and Thursdays workouts. Go heavier than I “think” I can and scale back if I have to.
2-Do a 5k and 3 additional miles (under 10 mins each)

Oh! I almost forgot. Today is the first day in my life that I am wearing a size 10! No bad considering I used to wear a size 26!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Grad School

I got in to Columbia!!! Woohoo! Now I just have to figure out if I am going to go there..... I am sure there is crossfit in New York City :o)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Personal Growth

Yesterday I wrote about workout/fitness/health goals. Equally important, I think, are personal goals. So today I thought I would spend a little time trying to figure out some of things I want to accomplish in order to enrich my life.

Get involved in Hula
Start singing again
Find a church/spiritual community I feel comfortable with and attend regularly
Make more time for Keith/have more date nights
Go out more often and enjoy my 20’s!
See more live music
Do yoga
Join Austin Outrigger Canoe Club
Get a dog
Begin graduate school
Go to the theater more often
Learn to cook
Reconnect with old friends

I don’t really have dates for these things. A lot of them are contingent upon where I get into graduate school because that determines if we are staying here or moving out of state. It is a rather liminal (look it up) time for me because there is a lot of uncertainty in my life and it is hard for me to make long term plans because I really don’t know where I am going to end up. But I will hopefully know something soon and begin planning out the next steps.
But in general, the above list is just the things I have been thinking about for a long time, planning on doing, and just haven’t made time for them. I have to remember that while my health is a huge priority, I also have to give myself enough time to enjoy the other things in life. It is all about balance. So if anyone has any suggestions on how to incorporate these things, knows of any good local organizations that I can get involved with, or has similar interests and wants a buddy to do them with, just let me know! (Only you cannot participate in date night because that would just be awkward :o)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Goals and Dreams

I realized that I have never really written down my goals. I mean, I know what they are, but I haven’t really given myself a timeline. So here it is. I am making an outline of where I want to achieve and when I hope to achieve it by.

Push ups on toes – 1 month (April 1st)
Pull ups (at least one)– 2 months (May 10th)
200 lbs deadlift – next Crossfit total (June)
Down to 150 Pounds – 1 month (April 1st)
20% body fat – Spartan 300 assessment (May)
Workouts at prescribed weight – 6 months (September)

I need to step up my game. I am stronger and more capable than I think I am and I need to start showing that in my workouts. I cannot be scared to fail. I have been involved with Crossfit for almost a year now, and although I have come a long way, there is still a lot that I have yet to achieve. Watching the Fittest Games this weekend was truly amazing and it has really inspired me to dig deeper. I don’t want to be someone who is just there going through the motions. I don’t want to spend the time, money and effort month after month to just be comfortable. My mind knows this. Now I just have to tell my body and shut my mind off so that I just do it. I am so thankful to have such great coaches who continue to make me fight to get better. I really don’t want to disappoint them or myself, so I just have to make it happen.

Monday, March 9, 2009

#1 Reason I love Crossfit...

It works!!!! People have been asking me about crossfit a lot as it grows in popularity and people are starting to hear about it more and more. Why do you do it? What is it all about? Isn't it really hard? All I do now is show them a picture and say...I am Crossfit because it works!

I found this picture the other day and it is now my new favorite before picture. When Keith saw it, he said, "You were really that big?" This is clearly me at my heaviest and I didn't start crossfitting at this weight. But I can tell you crossfit has taken me from a person with the mentality of someone who is still morbidly obese to someone wants to be active, loves going to the gym, and has all the tools to stay fit and healthy for the rest of my life. When I started crossfit, I felt like I still looked like the girl in this picture. Crossfit has changed me inside and out and I love it!!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Good Day


1/2 "Linda"

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1


Shoulder Press

Squat Clean

We did this with 1/2 body weight...I only did 55 pounds. Hey! I could be 110...in my dreams! But it was still difficult and it allowed me to do all my shoulder presses. I finished in 15:18, so I felt good about it.

I had a healthy healthy day. Walked 3 miles at lunch, ran 3 miles before the gym, then got my butt kicked my Mike. My eating was spot on. I feel like I doing good things. I just have to stay the course.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I am Crossfit

Saturday marked the end of the “I am Crossfit” challenge. This was an eight week program designed to push people to the next level in terms of fitness and health. Everyone was assigned a coach who reviewed our daily food logs as well as workouts. Depending on what level people chose to participate in, we were mailed a number of workouts to be completed on our own in addition to our days in the gym. I picked to do 6 work outs a week, so 1 in addition to the 5 days I go to the gym.

At the beginning of the challenge, we completed a workout and did body assessment. 3 rounds of 400 meter run, 15 pull ups, and 7 power cleans. I did 65 pound cleans and since I still do jumping pull ups, I had to do 30. Then, after 8 weeks, we did the same workout again and got our body assessment done to see how far we had come.

So how did Saturday go? Well, good and not so good. I lost 14 pounds and 12 inches. In 8 weeks, I am pretty proud of myself. Down side is I only lost 1.7% body fat and my workout was actually slower for some reason. The first time, I finished all but 2 cleans during the 12 minute time limit. On Saturday, I had all 7 of them to do. The cardio seemed a lot harder for me. My lungs were really burning by the time I was done. Also, I have been having some issues with cleans as of late and I think the mental side of things really slowed me down. All in all, however, I am proud of myself. I am pretty good at buckling down and getting things done when I set my mind to it. It is easier for me to keep on track and push hard when I am accountable to someone else and when I fear disappointing someone other than just myself.

Now the challenge is going to be keeping on track without turning in a food log or my workouts for Zach’s scrutinizing eye to examine. I have 6 pounds to go until I reach my long time goal of being down to my 4th grade weight. After a few not so hot eating days, I am ready to refocus and give it that final push to get to where I want to be. From there, who knows! I think once I feel like I have conquered the scale, I will be able to pay less attention to it and really focus on getting stronger and gaining intensity.