Sometimes the moments we feel most lost are the ones in which we find ourselves

Friday, December 26, 2008

Susannah vs. Cookie...

...the cookie won. I know. I wasn't going to blog about it, but I need to. I sucked at sticking to my diet the last 3 days. I made cookies for my family as a blanket gift, and ate more than my share of them. I KNEW it would happen, which is really what pisses me off. I felt a helpless, which is lame and stupid and not really true. I know I am in control I just have to take ownership of it. My fault. I dropped the ball. Start again fresh right now. Which is what I am going to do. Don't worry over what was, just learn from it and more forward. Remember how this feels and how much better it feels when you do well. There is still a week left before the New Year...plenty of time to make things right.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Funk, sweat, and smiles

I was in a bad mood today. Maybe it was because it was Monday or because it was cold out or because I just want to be on vacation already. Oh, it may have been the fact that I didn't give in yesterday and eat the burger and I was up 2 pounds. Whatever it was, I was not feeling it. Everyone was annoying me and the normal things I don't let get to me were really pissing me off. I don't think it helped that we had our Christmas lunch at work and they got Matt's El Rancho to cater. After yesterday, I was not wanting to be around a lot of people eating a lot of high calorie, high fat foods. But what I realized was that I wasn't really annoyed that I couldn't eat it, but rather that everyone else had a problem with me no eating it. I always get, "One meal isn't going to hurt" or "You need to eat more." No. I don't. I eat more than enough I just don't eat a bunch of junk that has empty calories and them complain the rest of the day that I feel sick and am too full. What is even more annoying is when people say they care about what they eat and care about being healthy and then time after time after time eat crap. I know everyone is different and one meal won't hurt some. But it will hurt me. And it is hard for me to take you seriously when you say you are on a diet and then eat 3 cookies and a pint of queso.

Anyway, I was in a bad mood and was going to just go home and be un a funk. but instead, Zachary invited me to come to his bootcamp to see what it was like. So I went after some support from Keith and I am so happy I did. It was super cold and a lot more cardio than we do at the gym. But it was great. It is fun to push yourself in new ways and get in something different. It may sound silly to some, but that workout got me out of my bad mood. Nothing like burning lungs and frozen fingers to put a smile on your face! I am so glad that I went and I need to remember this the next time I try to talk myself out of working out. Thanks, Zachary, for pushing me harder than I would push myself and thank you Keith for supporting me even when I am hard to deal with.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Don't cry over....burgers and fries?

Today was filled with a lot of running around, buying Christmas gifts and trying to get organized. I ate a solid brekfast, but didn't count on being gone from home so long. 1 pm came around and I was starving! Keith stopped at dan's to get a burger and fries, and I was going to drop by Mr. Natural's. Only problem was that Mr. Natural's was closed on Sunday. By then it was about 2 and I was ticked off because I literally felt like there was nothing to eat. I don't know if I am just trying to be too hardcore, but everything you can get on the road is fried or full of fat and oil or bread or whatever. It is a slippery slope for me and I just didn't want to give myself any allowances. So instead, I had a break down. Probably the biggest one I have had in a long time. Poor Keith was there trying to enjoy his food and I was just driving around sobbing. I think there was two major things that were bugging me. One was that I was hungry and there was nothing to eat. The second thing was I think I am just tired of not being able to eat a hamburger or fries. I mean, I know that I can and every now and then is not going to kill me. But I am not that way. I am an all or nothing kind of person. For now, I know that if I get a burger once, it is going to throw off my eating for a week or more. I will get the taste for it again and will start craving all kinds of bad stuff and nothing good will satisfy me. So I think I was crying for a burger. I wish I were at the point in my life where I could just eat a burger. But I know it is not worth it. I am proud of myself because I didn't give in and instead ran into Central Market and made a salad. So I stayed strong, it was just an eye opener that this is really about more than food or working out. It is about changing my lifestyal and my state of mind. And while I know that I have come a long way, I know that there is still a long way to go.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

On My Own for a Bit

For the next two weeks, I am on a vacation from crossfit. Perhaps vacation is not the best word because I am still going to the gym a few times and plan to do WODs on my own. But officially, I do not have class for 2 week. TWO WEEKS!!! That is a long time considering I am used to going 3-4 times a week every week. Yes, we have had a week off here or there, but not two whole weeks. So basically this will be the biggest break from the gym I have had since last March. Is it lame to say I am little nervous about that? I know that I can do it on my own and that I just need to focus and stay strong. But I am so used to having my workouts picked for me and my trainer there to keep me going and the accountability of a set time and place to workout. It is way too easy to make excuses when I am on my own. This time of year is particularly bad for me and I always seem to start the New Year a good 10 pounds heavier than I was before Thanksgiving. I have done pretty well so far this year and have been maintaining my weight, but I want to do more than that. So the next two weeks I think I am going to depend on my blog even more to keep track of my workouts and if I had a good or bad eating day.

I also need to get back on the Zone. If you don't know about the Zone, I would suggest you look it up because it is a really great way to maintain a healthy lifestyle and relationship with food. Basically, you eat healthy fats, lean protein, and a lot of veggies. That is an overly simplified version, but that is what it boils down to for me. I have had great results when I zone my food and really pay attention to my serving sizes. However, I tend to be overly restrictive for a few months and then fall off the wagon big time. This is my cycle which I am committed to breaking. And I am not going to wait for the New Year, but rather I am going to start with my next meal. So I may eat my words later, but as of this moment, I am going to be on the zone 100% and work out 4 times a week on my own until classes start again. No Christmas cookies and brownies and all that junk. Sure, I love it. But what good does it do me? One cookie for me just triggers a downward trend so I just have to cut it out. I think my mistake before, however, has been that I don't allow myself any of the "unfavorable" carbs like pasta and bread and rice. While I am not going to eat it often or in a high quantity, I think it is important for me to include a little in my diet to help prevent that cycle of being really strict and then feeling deprived and then giving in…for a week….or two weeks…

So that is it. My official commitment to myself and to anyone who reads this. Zone. Zone. Zone. Workout. Workout. Workout. Enjoy the holidays in a way that doesn't revolve around food and stuffing myself and going into a sugar coma. It will be a first, but a great way to wrap up a great year.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Missing Class

We have had some "bad" weather the last 2 days. In Austin, that usually means that it is cold and windy with the smallest tiniest chance that there might be some moisture in the air so they put us under a severe weather watch. When I went to Mike's class last night, it was cold, but not unbearable. Then I heard AM classes were cancelled due to the threat of icy roads. I can appreciate that. Even though nothing happened and it would have just been a really cold morning, it is better safe than sorry.

Although I wasn't really looking forward to getting up at 5:00 the next morning to freeze during my workout, it feels weird to miss a day. I missed a class a few weeks ago because I forgot to set my alarm, and my whole week was off. Going to my Tuesday/Thursday 5:30 am class has become such a part of my life now that it is definitely an odd feeling when I break that routine. I miss seeing the people in my class and the jump start to my day that I get from finishing a hard WOD before the sun even comes up. It really goes to show me what a huge part of my life crossfit and CrossFit Central have become. I cannot thank the people enough who challenge, motivate and encourage me to push beyond my limits. Even though most of my workouts still intimidate me, I look forward to them because the feeling you get when you are finished is unparalleled.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

A New Start

Starting in January, I am going to begin something new. I am going to start going to my gym 5 times a week to work out. Right now, I go 3 times a week and try to fit in at least one other day on my own. But I feel the downward pull of winter laziness getting a little too strong and I know committing the energy, money and time into 5 times a week will help me stay on top of things. I am excited, but a little scared. I know I will be pushing my body and mind farther than I ever have before. I am up for the challenge, but I am still a little scared. However, I know the great trainers at Crossfit Central will give me the support and guidance I need. So January will be the start of somewhat of an experiment. I am excited to see how this turns out...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Let's Get It Started

In Hawaiian, the work Onipa'a means "stand firm." This term was used by the last queen of Hawai'i to give strength and encouragement to her people during the overthrow of the Hawaiian monarchy. When I first come across it, something about this word resonated with me and over the years it has become my personal motto. As I get older and begin facing issues of real consequence, I find myself more and more going back to this phrase. Onipa'a. Stand firm. Commit. Achieve. Believe. Push through. Have faith. Be strong.

Heading into the New Year, I have decided to begin a blog to help me stay strong and finally accomplish some of the things I have been working on for years. The first of these is getting into graduate school, and I am happy to say that I am currently on my way there. The second thing, however, is a little more difficult. I want to finally get to the point in my life where I am 100% happy with my body.

Let me clarify a little. As a person, I think I am great. It took me a long time to really love myself, but I can honestly say that I do. So when I say that I want to be happy with my body, it is not coming from a self-deprecating or "woe is me" kind of place. Rather, I have been working so hard for so long and I have made so many changes, that I want to finally be able to feel like I have done what I set out to do. Not that there won't be room for improvement of that I won't continue to work just as hard as I am now. But I want to be able to look in the mirror and say, "Mission accomplished."

Some might say that this is vanity. Some might say that I shouldn't measure my success by the how I look in clothes. To that I say you are correct and if that is all it was to me, I would have given up long ago. I do not want to be "perfect" or value looks over health and well being. I just want to be at that place where I feel like my initial goals were successfully attained and I can begin working towards the next step, whatever that might be.

So that is it…the start of a blog to help me stay strong. To help me figure it all out and articulate my often convoluted thoughts. I will write about my workouts, my diet, my ups and downs. I am going to be as honest as I can be and share the things I probably otherwise wouldn't. So follow along if you can, comment freely and judge if you will. But this is for me. Onipa'a ku'uipo.