I Love this Pain

So I have been a bit of a Debbie-Downer as of late, but I think I am on the road to shaking it off. I have logged all my food for the last 3 weeks and it has really helped me stay accountable and realize what what I am putting in my body. It is nice to be able to look back and say, "Wow, I really should have had more protein today" or realize that perhaps the reason I was in a bad mood was because I was coming off a sugar high from my huge-ass cookie. But the other nice thing is that I have eaten a lot cleaner since I started writing things down. It just makes you want to have a good day on paper, a day to be proud of instead of a regret.

My non-crossfit workouts have been on point. I am running on my own twice a week, working out on the elliptical (I know I know) with a friend twice a week, have an hour long pilates class and do weights a few times a week. I am working on my push-ups and can tell a real difference when I keep up with them and when I am slacking.

Crossfit, on the other hand, has been suffering. I am trying to work it out, but I have really hit a wall. A huge, Great Wall of China wall and I am trying to figure out the best plan of attack. This is what I think I am most in a funk about, because it feels like a big part of my life is missing and/or no longer makes sense.

But I am trying to keep a positive attitude and be grateful for the things that are going well in life. I will be back in Austin mid-March for a week and a half and I can't wait to seem my husband, friends family and cat!

Doubt

doubt: a verb meaning a to lack confidence in: distrust

frustration: a noun meaning a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs

discourage: a verb meaning to deprive of confidence, hope, or spirit

That pretty much sums it up.

Running...

I hate it. I really hate it. I have come to hate it a little less now than previously in life when I literally didn't run ever. But hate is still the right word. I am no good at it. I am slow and my lungs burn within about 2 minutes. If I can go 2 miles without stopping I feel good. SO it might sound crazy that I want to do a half-marathon. I am a long way from ready, but I think physically and mentally it would do wonders for me to train for one and then say I did it. I am not sure where or when yet, but this year will be the year of the half-marathon for me.

That being said, I ran 2 miles yesterday and did some sit ups and worked on my upper body. I will get a proper push-up in the next few weeks. I will I will I will.

Past, Present and Future

As I work on getting back onto the road of success, it is easy to think about all the things I haven't completed or accomplished yet. No pull-ups. No Push-ups on toes. No double-unders. Haven't reached my goal weight, my running is still slow and I have yet to fully kick my fatal attraction to sugar. Sure. This is a sizable list. And when I write it all out, I can't help but get a little discouraged. But that attitude will get me nowhere. Focusing on the negative only brings about more negativity and that is not going to help me accomplish my goals. So instead, every now and then, I like to take a moment and deliberately think about what I have accomplished and where I have come from. So here is my journey in pictures (and witty comments, of course!):

At my heaviest....around 267 in 2006

...note the GREAT food choices....

If you could see a close up of my face, this pic would show how uncomfortable I was.

When I found Crossfit, everything changed.

I found amazing support from friends and kick-ass coaches at a place that is
much more than a gym


And I started doing things I had never done before...

...like a triathlon...


...and found out that I enjoyed being sweaty...


...which turned me into a gansta' which is clearly what I am.

So while I know I have a long way to go, I have to remember where I have come from. Celebrate the victories and rise to the challenge of the obstacles. I am determined that this will be the start of the final major push to reach my goals. Stubborn determination. I am nothing if not stubborn, so it's time to get it done.

Back on the Wagon

I finally made it back into the gym today. More than about time. I don't know why I put it off. It feels so good to get home after a workout and know that you started your day with a bang. I am sure I will pay for it tomorrow, but it's all good. I think I did ok. My cleans felt good, for once. My cardio is crap however. I really need to work on that. But baby steps in the right direction. I am committing to making it 3 mornings a week and as many saturdays as possible to get my ass kicked by Mike. I really have no excuse not to. At least no valid excuses. I will keep you posted.

The pic is the only time I drank while home for Christmas, but it is evidence of the month of poor choices!

You know what they say about pain...

So one of the last times I went to a workout with Mike at Crossfit Gotham, I walked away with a lovely gash from box jumps. This was over a month ago and I still have a huge mark on my leg that hasn't totally healed yet. This is the second time to have had a boxjump fail and walked away with an egg on my leg (hahaha...so funny). Needless to say, it makes me nervous to jump again. When I was home over break, I went to one Crossfit Central workout and of course, we did box jumps. Mine were pathetic and most of them were step ups. Pathetic step ups even. It made me realize that you have to be fearless if you want all the hard work to be worthwhile. Why work hard to get your body there if your mind is just going to stand in the way? So, 2010 will be the year of getting out of my own way. Thinking less, and letting my body do what it needs to do. I know that is easier said than done and I am fully aware that I over-think just about everything in life. But tomorrow I am going to hit my workout hard, finish strong, and see where it takes me.

In other news, my re-commitment to eating well is coming along. I have been slacking still on my workouts, but today that all changes.

Today's workout:
2 mile run
50 sit ups

Nothing amazing, but you have to start somewhere.

It is time!

It is time. In all honestly, well past time. Since moving to New York, I have been full of excuses. Some valid, others not so much. But slowly, the person I worked so hard to become has been slipping away. The habits I worked on getting rid of have crept back into my life. That is not to say that I have thrown in the towel. But I have made some poor choices. So, I am done with that. I am tired of feeling like a victim, like I have to chose between working on my mind or working on my body, and as though I have no control over how I think, feel and look.

Today is a new day. A day I have had a few times before. Full of determination and conviction. I know the steps, I know how to be successful. I just give up or give in. But I am a 25 year old 4.0 GPA grad student at an ivy league university. There is absolutely no reason why I cannot figure out how to accomplish the goal of getting to where I want to be physically. No reason at all. So while there are no earth shattering revelations or realizations, I know it is time to get back to the basics. Time to do the things I know work. Sure, they will be a little different here seeing as I have no kitchen or refrigerator. But I can make it work with a little more effort and creativity than was needed at home. I have started a 'real' journal (the kind with paper that you write in with a pen!) to store all the torrid details. But I will use this blog to share major accomplishments, set-backs, discoveries, or other random information.

This is it. It is time.