Stand Firm

More Harm than Good

2010-10-25T09:47:00.001-07:00

It took me a long time to realize that there is a big difference between being on a diet and being healthy. For the last few weeks, I have been on Nutrisystem. A few years ago when I was at my heaviest, I used Nutrisystem to jump start my weight loss and it was great. It taught me a lot about portion size and making smart choices. For the first time in my life, I was really paying attention to what I put in my body. Because I had such great results, I decided to go back on it to try to get back on track.

What is Nutrisystem, you ask? Basically, they send you a month's worth of prepackaged food, including, breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack. You supplement the food with fruit, veggies, and dairy. The kicker is the food doesn't even need to be refrigerated. It is just there, on your shelf. Meals include things like chocolate muffins and pizza and mac and cheese and cereal and fudge brownies. The idea is that the foods contain carbs that are 'good for you.'

At first, I saw some pounds come off. But after about the first 2 weeks, I just started feeling gross. I was sticking to the program, but not seeing results and not really feeling good in general. Having gone from a very clean diet, to a less so but still mostly fresh and healthy one to all prepackaged, highly processed, no expiration date, microwave dinners sucked.

So despite the fact that I seriously have almost a months 'supply' of Nutrisystem food on my shelves, I decided to kick the habit and go all out. Today is my 6th day of doing a strict paleo diet, eliminating grains, sugar, dairy and everything processed. Even when I was at my healthiest I don't think I id this good for this long. I also added in a diet soda or put splenda and milk in my coffee. But I decided to give up all my excuses and finally do what I felt needed to be done.

The funny thing is, I feel great. Yes, it is difficult to eat clean and fresh at times. I don't have a kitchen or refrigerator so cooking is out of the question. But, again, i gave up my excuses and am just making it work. If that means I resort to sardines and steamed zucchini for dinner, that is what I will do. It is definitely more expensive and less convenient for me to be doing this right now, but if I can do it now I know I can do it later in my life as well.

So I am off my 'diet' and on to eating healthy and clean. I have already lost 2 pounds and haven't been obsessing about counting calories. I know what I am putting in my body is good for it, so there is no guilt or sense of being overly indulgent.

I plan to stay 100 strict for 30 days and then see where I will go from there. This means I will finish right before going home for Thanksgiving and will hopefully allow me to make smart choices over the holiday season. Food should not control you, but should fuel you. It is hard work for me to have a healthy relationship with my food, but I am working on it.

Work Harder

2010-10-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my dear friend Jessica last night and she reminded me of something so simple, yet extremely important: sometimes you just have to work harder. There are times when we feel like we are eating well and working out, but we are just not getting the results we need. Why haven't I lost weight? Why doesn't this run feel easier? Why is my energy level still so low? The answer is that if you are doing everything correctly, you will see results. Period. It is pretty much impossible to eat clean, workout hard, get enough sleep and drink enough water and still not fee great. If you are not at the place you want to be, you must work harder. If you are eating well 90% of the time, bump it up to 95%. If you get in three solid workouts a week, add a fourth. If you haven't cut out diet soda from your diet, but wonder why you don't feel amazing, go two weeks without one and see how it feels. Sometimes we feel like we are doing enough, but it simply isn't enough. Push harder. Dig deeper. Gain more focus and determination and get the job done.

Keep on Swimming

2010-09-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

I am about 3 weeks into my renewed commitment to getting healthy and losing weight. I am down about 9 pounds, which is about 3 pounds a week. I wanted 4, but I will take 3. I just need to keep it up. I have been working out more often, but no as much as I should. I do a body sculpt class on Mondays and a less formal one with some girls in my building on Fridays and Sundays. I need to up the cardio though....for sure.

In addition, I have only had one melt down. I stayed strong, but I was full of doubt and frustration and anger. Seriously. I hate feeling like I am working hard and not seeing results. But this comes from not looking at the big picture. 9 pounds in 3 weeks is progress. Could it be more? Sure. But it is progress and I need to be proud of myself and know that things are working.

So I just need to keep on swimming. Swim swim swimming.

Here we go again

2010-09-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

On Friday of last week, September 10th to be exact, I started to get serious. This summer was a HUGE bust in terms of getting my health and weight back on track. HUGE. I had lovely plans of all the wonderful things I would accomplish, yet none of them happened. In fact, I gained weight. Eighteen pounds to be exact. That is what is so scary to me. I gained eighteen pounds in three months. And I didn't even really notice. I mean I did in terms of my clothes not fitting and the general feeling of defeat. But I just kept letting it go and pushing the clear need to take action aside.

So last Friday I began again. I am not sure how may bursts of re-commitment it will take before I actually accomplish what I set out four years ago to do. But I cannot succeed if I do not try, try, try again.

I am doing things a little differently this time. I am on Nutrisystem again. I used it four years ago when I first started to lose weight and it worked. Since then, my ideas about health and food have seriously changed and I am in no way fooling myself into thinking that NS food is healthy. However, it will make me lose weight. It is portion controlled and far less expensive than eating out every meal in NYC. I do not plan to be on it more than a few months, but I was clearly out of control when I was going it alone. So I am hoping it will kick-start my newest attempt to get the weight off and get back on the road to good health and happiness.

So far, I have lost eight pounds. I am happy about that, but fairly shocked that I am still ten pounds heavier than at the start of the summer. I have still been lazy about working out because I have fallen out of the habit. But this week I am going to push it that extra bit and get in some serious workouts. My goal is to be back within 5 pounds of my lowest weight before I go home for thanksgiving, which means I need to lose between 3 and 4 pounds a week. I know it is asking a lot, but if not now, when?

So here we go again.

Le Sigh

2010-04-30T17:05:00.000-07:00

This week has been a little rough. I haven't eaten awfully, but I am just not feeling it. I thought last week was fine, but I didn't drop any pounds, which always puts me in a funk. I started off the week with a workout, but haven't gotten another in since then. I just got back from a run along the river, which put me in a better mood. So hopefully the funk is over. I am trying to remind myself that if I have to have a sweet treat, dark chocolate is way better than a cookie. Now I just have to stop doing both!!!

Since I didn't hit my 3 pounds last week, I am looking at 6 this week which is nuts. So if I can just get my 3 for this week, I will feel much better. Today was a good start, but the next 2 days have to be equally as clean and workout filled.

Only 2 weeks till I go home!!!!! I want to be 7 pounds lighter by then.

Nice Work, Kid

2010-04-21T18:42:00.000-07:00

I got in a great workout today. Not a crossfit workout, but good compared to what I have been doing while at school.
30 mins on the elliptical
1000 m row/500 m row
15 mins on the bike
30 mins run
I was so sweaty and stanky when I was finished, but it felt really good. Then I ate some tuna, steamed zucchini and an apple for dinner along with tons of water. All in all, a good day

Progress

2010-04-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

My week 1 weight goal was met. 3 pounds. I am aiming for 3 pounds for the next 3 weeks till I go home. Then I can start the summer on the right foot and it will push me that much harder to finish this thing already. This September will make it 4 years since I started to get healthy, and while I have made big changes, there is still a ways to go. So my goal for next week is another 3 pounds, which I know I can do if I get in my workout and eat at least somewhat rationally.

I didn't work out as much this week as I had planned due to illness. But I am on the mend, so hope to get in a good one in the next day or two.

I am nervous about going home for the summer and getting back into crossfit. It has been a long time and I know I have lost a lot of ground since I left. But fear is no longer enough to stop me from doing the things I know I need to get done, so I will be back at it in June.

Invalidating the Scale

2010-04-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

I am trying not to be discouraged that I worked out pretty hard yesterday and watched what I ate and the scale went up .5 this morning. I know I know I know. That doesn't mean anything. But at this point I am looking for every little bit of evidence that I am on the right track.

So instead of the scale, i will focus on the fact that I got a PR on my 500m row yesterday. I have never been able to break 2mins and yesterday I got 1:57. I was super proud of myself, especially since it came after a 30 min run and 20 mins on the bike.

Today will be more of the same. After sitting in the library for who knows how many hours today working on term papers, I am sure a run will be a welcome diversion.

Again

2010-04-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

I find myself going in circles....moving through a cycle of success and progress...then recklessness and self-sabotage...followed by guilt and regret....until I am back where I began.

I worked really hard the first half of the semester. Watched what I put in my body and got in good workouts. I was right where I wanted to be. Then I went home for spring break where one bad choice lead to another and another until I gave up and gave in. I literally gained back everything I had worked so hard for 6 weeks to lose in a week. Since then I have been stable, trying to figure out what my next step is. I get tired of repeating the same mistakes. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. There is a moment when I have to act differently, and all I can do is make that choice.

So for now I am back at the top of the circle. Setting out to do it all again, for probably the tenth time in my life. Get in the workouts. Get in good food. That part I know and that part I can deal with. But there is another element...something I haven't yet been able to identify. Without it, though, I know I just doom myself to end up back here again. So this time I have to find it. I have to figure out what is missing to make it work...make the changes stick. I am smart and strong and I can figure it out. So here we go.

Fail

2010-04-05T14:14:00.000-07:00

Spring break fail. Major fail. Major major major fail. Annoyed at myself for giving up. One of these days I will have a little more faith in myself. Back at it again. Try try try again.

Sprints Take Two

2010-03-07T15:55:00.000-08:00

I think my new favorite workout is to do 400m repeats. They make me run faster than I would if i was going for distance, and I end up running farther than I would if I ran continuously. I did them the other day and felt really content when I was finished. So I decided I am going to continue to do the cycle and increase my speed and decrease my recovery time in between sets.

2:40, 2:38, 2:33, 2:31, 2:29, 2:26, 2:24, 2:19

I got up to a 6.5 on the treadmill, which I don't think I have ever run on for any real length of time. Granted, 400m is not that far, but it was encouraging to know my legs could actually move that quickly.

While I am home over break, I am going to hit up a track and do this to see how my times compare.

2 in 5

2010-03-05T07:12:00.000-08:00

Home in a week! I am super excited. This semester seems to be blowing by at the speed of light. Once I get back from spring break, my two best friends from college are coming, and then I only have about 6 weeks left before summer. That is nuts. I am starting to worry about summer plans, but I have a lot of other stuff to get done before then.

Speaking of things to get done, my goal was to back at a satisfactory weight before going home. I am not going to divulge exactly what that number is (call me old-fashioned), but I have 2 more pounds to go before I get there. 2 pounds before Wednesday? If I stay on top of my eating and workouts I think I can do it.

Going home this time will be better than Christmas, I think. At Christmas, I was really annoyed with my body and my lack of motivation. I was almost embarrassed to go to Central because of the weight I had put back on. While I am still a few pounds heavier than I was before I stopped working out there, I am much closer to where I left off. Plus there is something to be said for the impact confidence has in the way present yourself and come off to others. So this time I hope to get in 2 workouts with the old crew. I know the will kick my ass, but I am looking forward to it!

So 2 pounds in 5 days is on my mind right now. Then it will be another 5 before I hit my pre-swine flu weight, then 9 more to match my lowest weight ever, and then 6 more to my goal. Breaking it up that way makes it seem far more do-able. Like I always say, forward motion is key and I feel more motivated than I have since coming to NYC.

Love/Hate Realtionship

2010-03-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

This picture captures my post run sentiments.

My love/hate relationship with running continued tonight. I have not been on top of things as far as running goes and my cardio is noticeably not where it used to be. Which isn't saying much if you know how much I dislike running. It is not so much that I don't like running. I actually love the idea of it and the feeling I get afterwards. It is just the running part that gets me. But I know the only way to improve is to work on it. So tonight I did the .com workout from the other day, which was 400m repeats with 90 seconds in between. I was not sprinting, but my times were a lot better than I thought they would be. A 10 minute mile is pretty standard for me, so my times were more or less in line with that.

2:41
2:40
2:37
2:36
2:32
2:29
2:28
2:22

The treadmill is a little tricky to do something like this on, because you set it at a speed and you hold to it. So I think it would have taken more effort and my times would have been faster if I had more control over my speed. But all in all it felt good. In total I did 3 miles tonight, which is more than I have done in a long time. Forward motion.

Exposing the Truth

2010-03-01T19:20:00.001-08:00

I was brave yesterday. Either brave or stupid....the jury is still out on that one. Regardless, I took some "before" pictures. I know that I am not necessarily at the start of my journey, but I am certainly not at the end. I have a lot of work that still needs to be done. And considering the fact that I have such a skewed self-image, I decided that having pictures was the perfect way to really see my body for what it is. Whenever Crossfit Central does challenges, they always take before and after pictures. Usually, the men are shirtless and the girls are in sports bras and short-shorts. Other, less official pictures I have seen have people in their bathing suits in order to see as much skin as possible.

Needless to say, I do not expose my stomach. Period. I have never taken a picture in a two piece bathing suit or a sports bra or any more skin than was necessary. But, I have always known the reason for doing it. Clothes cover and hide a lot. That is what they are there for. So I decided that the only way to have a real sense of what my body was doing and how it is changing was to take a honest to goodness before picture. So I bucked up and took a picture in the closest thing I have to a two-piece bathing suit. Bare stomach and all. From the front and back. These picture will NEVER see the light of day, I can assure you. However, I think it was an eye-opener and gave me a weird disembodied view of myself that I have never really seen before. Hopefully, one day when I have made more progress and seen more results and feel comfortable, I will take another bare stomach picture to use as my "after." This is a long way off. But there is something empowering about the fact that I know where I am, right now, at this exact moment and that I am doing something to change it.

Abs of steel, I have not. But I can tell you my motivation is higher than it has been in a long time. Sometimes the ugly truth is all you really need to hear, or see in this case.

Words to Live By

2010-02-28T06:58:00.000-08:00

I got a few words of wisdom from Zac yesterday. He is always there to check my on my BS, which I sincerely appreciate. To sum up, he told me to buck up, do what I know I can do, and don't be that person who gives up before they are finished.

It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Visit sicfit.com for more Videos

Ok to be Fat?

2010-02-26T08:26:00.000-08:00

The link below goes to an ABC Nightline story about the "great weight debate." It asks, "Is it ok to be fat?"

The video is very thought provoking and I clearly have my own take on it. I think fat is too often the focus, when we should really be concerned with issues of weight. Fat is not ok in our culture, but what does it mean to be fat? I am fat, but I am not unhealthy. There is a striking difference between fat and obese and I think we as a society tend to go too far. Yes, you want to be healthy. Yes, being overweight can lead to a number of health issues. So, being healthy and being thin are often two sides of the same coin. But you can also be thin and seriously unhealthy. It is all about finding balance and what works for you and your body.

I think the woman's argument that yo-yo diets make you unhealthy and therefore you should not regulate what you eat is nuts. No, yo-yo diets don't work and they will probably make you unhealthy in the long run. But life and health are not about diets. You have to make lifestyle changes for lasting results and good health. Crossfit is a lifestyle change. Paleo is a lifestyle change. You focus on how good certain habits make you feel and so you forget about all the things you used to crave or wish you could have because they don't control you anymore.

We need to stop talking about fat and start talking about health. Would I love to be a size 2 and have 17% body fat? Sure. But if the cost is my health, it is not worth it. I think reaching those goals are totally attainable in a healthy way that doesn't revolve around dieting becoming thin, but rather on continually making informed decisions, hard work, and treating your body with the respect it deserves. I think this is the potential crossfit has to teach women especially. It is not all about how you look, but about how you feel and what you can accomplish.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

2010-02-21T16:14:00.000-08:00

Sunday is always a good day for me. It is a time to reflect on the week past and gear up for the week ahead. I have been "counting" my weight on Mondays as my official weight in terms of that week's progress. This has kept me more accountable over the weekend and Sundays this month have been a day for really dialing in my food and making sure I get in my workout.

Today was no different and hopefully tomorrow I will be rewarded. This was overall a good week, so I am proud of myself regardless.

Counting down to being home for spring break, and I want to be down another 5 pounds before then. fingers crossed!

The Fall Down

2010-02-19T11:39:00.000-08:00

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognize my own reflection
Oh, scared of love but scared of life alone

Seems I've been playing on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me
Oh, but its time for me to let it go

Yeah I'm ready to feel now
No longer am afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

Just when we think that love will never find you
You've run away but its still right behind you
Oh, its just something that we cant control

Yeah I'm ready to feel now
No longer am afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

Yeah I'm ready to feel now
No longer am afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready
Ready to love again
I'm ready to love again

*I feel this way about self-love, risk taking, and working out, not about romantic love. More than satisfied there. Think metaphor, people.

I Love this Pain

2010-02-18T15:54:00.000-08:00

So I have been a bit of a Debbie-Downer as of late, but I think I am on the road to shaking it off. I have logged all my food for the last 3 weeks and it has really helped me stay accountable and realize what what I am putting in my body. It is nice to be able to look back and say, "Wow, I really should have had more protein today" or realize that perhaps the reason I was in a bad mood was because I was coming off a sugar high from my huge-ass cookie. But the other nice thing is that I have eaten a lot cleaner since I started writing things down. It just makes you want to have a good day on paper, a day to be proud of instead of a regret.

My non-crossfit workouts have been on point. I am running on my own twice a week, working out on the elliptical (I know I know) with a friend twice a week, have an hour long pilates class and do weights a few times a week. I am working on my push-ups and can tell a real difference when I keep up with them and when I am slacking.

Crossfit, on the other hand, has been suffering. I am trying to work it out, but I have really hit a wall. A huge, Great Wall of China wall and I am trying to figure out the best plan of attack. This is what I think I am most in a funk about, because it feels like a big part of my life is missing and/or no longer makes sense.

But I am trying to keep a positive attitude and be grateful for the things that are going well in life. I will be back in Austin mid-March for a week and a half and I can't wait to seem my husband, friends family and cat!

Doubt

2010-02-04T13:03:00.000-08:00

doubt: a verb meaning a to lack confidence in: distrust

frustration: a noun meaning a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs

discourage: a verb meaning to deprive of confidence, hope, or spirit

That pretty much sums it up.

Running...

2010-02-02T06:20:00.000-08:00

I hate it. I really hate it. I have come to hate it a little less now than previously in life when I literally didn't run ever. But hate is still the right word. I am no good at it. I am slow and my lungs burn within about 2 minutes. If I can go 2 miles without stopping I feel good. SO it might sound crazy that I want to do a half-marathon. I am a long way from ready, but I think physically and mentally it would do wonders for me to train for one and then say I did it. I am not sure where or when yet, but this year will be the year of the half-marathon for me.

That being said, I ran 2 miles yesterday and did some sit ups and worked on my upper body. I will get a proper push-up in the next few weeks. I will I will I will.

Past, Present and Future

2010-01-31T16:19:00.000-08:00

As I work on getting back onto the road of success, it is easy to think about all the things I haven't completed or accomplished yet. No pull-ups. No Push-ups on toes. No double-unders. Haven't reached my goal weight, my running is still slow and I have yet to fully kick my fatal attraction to sugar. Sure. This is a sizable list. And when I write it all out, I can't help but get a little discouraged. But that attitude will get me nowhere. Focusing on the negative only brings about more negativity and that is not going to help me accomplish my goals. So instead, every now and then, I like to take a moment and deliberately think about what I have accomplished and where I have come from. So here is my journey in pictures (and witty comments, of course!):

At my heaviest....around 267 in 2006

...note the GREAT food choices....

If you could see a close up of my face, this pic would show how uncomfortable I was.

When I found Crossfit, everything changed.

I found amazing support from friends and kick-ass coaches at a place that is
much more than a gym

And I started doing things I had never done before...

...like a triathlon...

...and found out that I enjoyed being sweaty...

...which turned me into a gansta' which is clearly what I am.

So while I know I have a long way to go, I have to remember where I have come from. Celebrate the victories and rise to the challenge of the obstacles. I am determined that this will be the start of the final major push to reach my goals. Stubborn determination. I am nothing if not stubborn, so it's time to get it done.

Back on the Wagon

2010-01-30T11:11:00.000-08:00

I finally made it back into the gym today. More than about time. I don't know why I put it off. It feels so good to get home after a workout and know that you started your day with a bang. I am sure I will pay for it tomorrow, but it's all good. I think I did ok. My cleans felt good, for once. My cardio is crap however. I really need to work on that. But baby steps in the right direction. I am committing to making it 3 mornings a week and as many saturdays as possible to get my ass kicked by Mike. I really have no excuse not to. At least no valid excuses. I will keep you posted.

The pic is the only time I drank while home for Christmas, but it is evidence of the month of poor choices!

You know what they say about pain...

2010-01-29T15:34:00.000-08:00

So one of the last times I went to a workout with Mike at Crossfit Gotham, I walked away with a lovely gash from box jumps. This was over a month ago and I still have a huge mark on my leg that hasn't totally healed yet. This is the second time to have had a boxjump fail and walked away with an egg on my leg (hahaha...so funny). Needless to say, it makes me nervous to jump again. When I was home over break, I went to one Crossfit Central workout and of course, we did box jumps. Mine were pathetic and most of them were step ups. Pathetic step ups even. It made me realize that you have to be fearless if you want all the hard work to be worthwhile. Why work hard to get your body there if your mind is just going to stand in the way? So, 2010 will be the year of getting out of my own way. Thinking less, and letting my body do what it needs to do. I know that is easier said than done and I am fully aware that I over-think just about everything in life. But tomorrow I am going to hit my workout hard, finish strong, and see where it takes me.

In other news, my re-commitment to eating well is coming along. I have been slacking still on my workouts, but today that all changes.

Today's workout:
2 mile run
50 sit ups

Nothing amazing, but you have to start somewhere.

It is time!

2010-01-24T22:17:00.000-08:00

It is time. In all honestly, well past time. Since moving to New York, I have been full of excuses. Some valid, others not so much. But slowly, the person I worked so hard to become has been slipping away. The habits I worked on getting rid of have crept back into my life. That is not to say that I have thrown in the towel. But I have made some poor choices. So, I am done with that. I am tired of feeling like a victim, like I have to chose between working on my mind or working on my body, and as though I have no control over how I think, feel and look.

Today is a new day. A day I have had a few times before. Full of determination and conviction. I know the steps, I know how to be successful. I just give up or give in. But I am a 25 year old 4.0 GPA grad student at an ivy league university. There is absolutely no reason why I cannot figure out how to accomplish the goal of getting to where I want to be physically. No reason at all. So while there are no earth shattering revelations or realizations, I know it is time to get back to the basics. Time to do the things I know work. Sure, they will be a little different here seeing as I have no kitchen or refrigerator. But I can make it work with a little more effort and creativity than was needed at home. I have started a 'real' journal (the kind with paper that you write in with a pen!) to store all the torrid details. But I will use this blog to share major accomplishments, set-backs, discoveries, or other random information.

This is it. It is time.

Forward Motion

2009-11-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

Again, it has been far too long since my last post. Time is flying by. I can't believe we are already into November and in 7 weeks I will be home and finished with my first semester of graduate school. So far, things has been going well. I am swamped with work Swamped. Tons of reading and papers every week. I feel like I am always carrying around some book with me, to get in a little work whenever I have extra time. But, the great thing is that I really love what I am doing right now. Everything I am reading and all the discussions I am having in class excite me and so it doesn't seem like such a burden to have to work so hard.

Keith is coming up on Monday, which I can't wait for. Hopefully we will get good weather and we can go do some tourist sight-seeing and such. I haven't done a crazy lot of that, so I look forward to seeing yet another side of the city.

Crossfit is going well. I got a handle on my eating and have lost about 6 pounds since I have been here....or at least since I starting caring again. It is hard to eat well here, but not impossible. I just need to be more deliberate with my choices and plan a little more accordingly. I am starting to feel like I am in control again, which is really nice. I am enjoying working out with the crew at Crossfit Gotham. It is a different vibe than Central, but that is to be expected. It is just fun to get to experience another affiliate and I think it is really comforting that there is that common thread I share with such a great community. Like anywhere I go, there is a build in network that I just have to contact. I will get a pull up, sold push ups and double-unders. I will.

I will try to get better about posting, but all in all, life is not that crazy. I feel comfortable in the city and I have found a routine. Well, as much of a routine as I can hope for right now. I just have to continue making forward motion. That is the name of the game.

A better week

2009-10-04T18:26:00.000-07:00

I feel much more optimistic about things today. Last week I decided something had to give in terms of my diet and workout routine. On Monday, I bought a scale. Tuesday I decided to go paleo, had a good "last meal" (pictured here) and Wednesday I tried to make things happen. I haven't been 100%. I have had very minimal carbs, a wrap and an oatmeal cookie I think. I have had some yogurt and cheese. But all in all, I did much better with my diet. The hard thing is finding things to eat when I am not at my apartment and really hungry. But today I solved that problem in a way never done before. I ate tuna right out the packet. I felt like a goober while doing it, but it did the trick! Filled me up and got me through the next 4 hours studying in the library. Tomorrow will be my first official weigh in to see what progress I have made. I am hoping for a pound, but we shall see.

My workouts have also improved. I have hooked up with Crossfit Gotham and I really enjoy working with Mike. He is very attentive and I am working on my pull ups every time we meet. I need to try and get down there more than 3 times a week, but my schedule right now doesn't let me unless I go early in the morning, I am not 100% comfortable riding the subway in the dark. But we shall see. I am confident I will get a pull up in the next few months. Even if it just one ugly one. I just want to get my chin over the bar with my own strength!

School is going well and keeping my amazingly busy. I have so much reading to do this week, it is unreal. I also have a conference on Thursday and Friday and a 15-20 page research paper due next monday, which I have yet to start. Ah, the pressure of grad school. At least crossfit has prepared me to deal with mental challenges as well as physical ones!

Up a lot....and not in a good way

2009-09-29T06:42:00.001-07:00

I broke down and bought a scale yesterday. It has seriously been over 6 weeks since I last weighed myself and I was dreading it. The last week I have really tried to be more aware of what I am eating, but I know the damage was already done. But being scared is not a good enough reason to continue to live in ignorance, so I got on. It was bad. Not as bad as I feared it might be, but bad. Lets just say that I was at my lowest at the end of I am Crossfit in March. Since then, I am up 23 pounds. Are you kidding me? That is ridiculous. I could make up every excuse in the book about why it happened, that I gained muscle and that I was sick and was in transition and blah blah blah. The point is that it is a slippery slippery slope back into an old life that I thought I had long put behind me. It only goes to show you cannot get comfortable, cannot be lax in your commitment.

Like I said, the last week has been better. I worked out 4 times last week in addition to walking a million miles. I hooked up with a new crossfit affiliate, Crossfit Gotham, and look forward to getting my butt kicked with them a few times a week. But really, the major problem in the food. I finally stopped drinking diet soda after a few weeks of indulgence. And I have eliminated the mindless snacking in between meals. If I can just clean up my meals, I will be ok. I just have to remind myself that it is ok if I am not 100% like I was at home. If I eat some toast, that doesn't mean I have ruined my day and/or give me permission to eat like crap for the rest of the day.

I know I can do this. Not just for myself, but for all the people who have put time/effort/energy/love into helping me get my life on track.

Lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy Jane

2009-09-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

At one of my last workouts with Crossfit Central, the eternal optimist Andy told me I was lazy. I was appalled. Me? Lazy? Do you see me busting my ass out here every day? Lugging my less than slim frame up and down the black top, pushing beyond my limits. I argued vehemently that I was not lazy, and stayed after class to run 6 400m sprints just to prove my point.

Fast-forward 4 weeks...and I am lazy. Yeah, yeah. I am in a transitional phase. So what? I don't have a refrigerator or kitchen. So what? Why does that give me permission to make poor choices? There is always a good alternative and a bad one, and I have been allowing myself way too much slack. I have worked out maybe 5 times since I have moved here. I am tired. I have too much homework. My schedule just doesn't fit. I hate running. All of these things pop into my mind. I let them justify not doing the work I have to. it is easier to grab a muffin and head to the library than it is to take 15 minutes and sit down and eat a descent breakfast. It is easier to grab a sandwich at the deli than to find a place with a good salad. The easy way out doesn't cut it.

My clothes are NOTICEABLY tighter, and since I didn't bring my scale with me (gasp!) that is a good enough indicator for me that I am not moving in the right direction. I do not want my body to be neglected as I attempt to expand my mind. No expansion of the waist line!

So tomorrow I am starting fresh. I am getting up and going for a run. Then I am showing and going to eat a breakfast of 2 eggs, some fruit, maybe a piece of toast and some coffee. Then I am heading to the library to write a paper that I would rather not have to think about. Then I am going to come back here to the dining hall and make a good, balanced salad for lunch. I will then return to the library with an apple and almond butter in tow, go to class, get home about 9, eat a sensible dinner, and go to bed at a reasonable hour. All the while drinking enough water, avoiding diet soda and mindless snacking.

This seems easy enough and it is something that I previously took for granted being able to do. I have fallen back on bad habits and I know it will be work to break myself of them. But i would be mortified if I came back to CC in worse shape than I left. I would be disappointed in myself for letting all that work be for nothing and for ignoring what I know is good for my body and soul.

So tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start at continuing something I started 3 years ago now. I know it is a life long struggle, but I am ready to reach a place where I am really happy with myself. I am almost there. I can feel it.

I will no longer be lazy!!!!

Some Observations

2009-09-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

Some things I have thus far observed about New York City:

1. You cannot dress for the weather. You will always be cold in the shade and hot in the sun. The rain boots and tights you rocked in the morning will look ridiculous by the time you get out of class and the sun has dried up every indication of rain.

2. There are police everywhere.

3. If you are a female and you pass a male standing/sitting on the side of the street, there is a 95% chance he will make some sort of comment to you. Regardless of what you are wearing or look like. There is an even greater chance this comment will make no sense, but you will undoubtedly know what is intended.

4. Even though New York is very fast paced, you have to have a lot of patience to live here.

5. As long as a car is more than 10 feet away, it is perfectly acceptable to walk in front of it. Even if they have a green light and are a speeding trash truck.

6. When you get onto a crowded subway car, you will know who the locals are. They are the ones complaining how they don't have any room or how your bag is touching them. You would think they would be used to it.

7. Do not, under any circumstances, get into the black cabs with no clear identification.

8. There is a fortunate lack of blonds here.

9. You need cash, and a lot of it. Get out as much as possible whenever you can.

10. If you are a germaphobe, agoraphobe, xenophobe, or claustrophobic, you will not do well here.

NYC and Me

2009-09-10T07:39:00.000-07:00

A little more about where I am...

I am starting my Masters at Teachers College, Columbia in Comparative Education. More on that latter. But for the next year, I will be living in this city known as NYC. I am about 2 blocks from campus which is just south of Harlem proper, but still very much Manhattan. There is so much street culture here, it is amazing. Everywhere I walk, and I do walk a lot, has such wonderful sights and sounds and smells. Ok, not all of the smells are great. This place is definitely an assault on the nose. But you get the idea. Wonderful flower shops and markets and bookstores and bakeries.

Ahhh...the bakeries. The food in general here is amazing. There are endless local restaurants and it is so refreshing to be in a place that doesn't have fast food and big chairs on every corner. This is indeed a blessing and a curse. Great to have such a variety. Bad because it makes you want to eat out all the time. Everything is expensive here, which is to be expected. So you can really go through a lot of money pretty fast if you are not careful. Plus, there are the usual pitfalls of eating out.

I have had a difficult time adjusting my eating here. My situation now is that I do not have kitchen or a refrigerator. Hopefully I will get a fridge soon, but the kitchen situation is no going to change. The dining hall here is fairly nice, and I have gotten in the habit of eating 2 of my 3 meals a day there. Breakfast is easy. 2 eggs and some fruit or toast. Then lunch and/or dinner I try to have some grilled protein and veggies or a big salad. For the first week or so I was fairly out of control. My schedule was all messed up and I was just grabbing whatever was most convenient. I can feel the effects of that. My clothes are all much tighter and my body in general does not feel in top form. So for the past few days I have really tried to get things into perspective. No, I cannot be as hardcore about being paleo or zoning here as I could at home. But that doesn't mean I cannot make smart choices. If I eat a piece of toast with my eggs in the morning, ok. As long as that is not followed with a bag of chips at lunch and a big cookie for dinner. It is going to take me a while to work out all the details, but I am proud of myself for trying my best to figure this out.

What about workouts, you ask?

Well, i contacted a crossfit gym here, so i am just waiting to hear back from them. Like I have said before, i am not sure how much time and money I am going to have to workout at a box, but I really want to try to make it work. For the first week, didn't do any workouts. Yes, I was walking 6 miles a day, but I don't count that. So on Tuesday a friend of mine and I went to Riverside Park, which is right across the street from me, and ran a good 3 miles or so. In between, we did some sit ups, burpees, and plank. It was really fun to be outside in a new environment doing all the movements we do int he gym. Then this morning, I went for about a mile run, and did 100 sit ups, 50 push ups, and 25 burpees. The weather here is so great that I really have no excuse not to be outside enjoying it while I can.

So I am going to try to get in a good run 2 times a week, a real WOD 3 times, and then just play around with other movements when I get the chance. I know it is a slippery slope to undoing all the hard work I have done thus far. I certainly am not going to let that happen. It is going to be a difficult transition into being healthy and fit in my new home, away from all my routines, familiarities, comfort, and support. But I am determined to make it happen. This ear I will better my mind and body, with a little bit of soul searching too.

It Has Begun!!!

2009-09-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile and I am now a whole week into my New York experience! Crazy. I promise to write more, as there is a lot going on. But for now, this is what I wrote on the plane ride over here:

The time has finally come. i am sitting on the plane headed for New York City. The experience thus far has been surreal. I haven't felt a lot of build up or anticipation. I am not particularly anxious or nervous. I am just doing it. Living in the moment. Trying to deal with things as they come.

I think this has something to do with the fact that I am 25. Not that that is terribly old or something. But I certainly have a perspective on life that I didn't have when I was in college. I used to plan and organize for situations like this weeks in advance. Write and re-write lists and things I had to accomplish. I would get so nervous about the upcoming flight of move or change that it would consume me for long time beforehand. This time things feel different. I am so sad to leave Keith and my parents. Even saying goodbye to my cat, Romo made me cry. and you would think that going off on my own to NYC would be clear cause for panic, fear, paranoia. But I feel pretty calm.

I know the next year will be amazing and difficult and bring with it experiences I cannot even predict or anticipate. So why try to see into the future? I would easily get overwhlemed if I started to think about all the things that I have to organize and finalize and figure out in the next few weeks, so why let it ruin my time? Of course this is easy to say now, before things have even begun. But I really feel like I am going to just soak it all in. Live my life. Enjoy every moment of it and take advantage of every opportunity.

So if you are interested in keeping up to date on my adventures, follies, and general state of mind, check back often. Wish me luck and come visit!!!

Last Days in Austin

2009-08-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I last wrote a post. A lot has happened. My experiment with going paleo went amazingly well. I stuck to it and felt great. The problem came about 3 weeks ago when my husband and I got swine flu. Let me just say it sucked. I don't get sick very often, so it was a shock to me when I literally didn't have the energy to get off the couch. I missed over a week of work and a good 10 days of working out. It might be a lame excuse, but my eating went out the window when i got sick. since then, everything has gone downhill. I have just not been feeling my workouts and my eating has been a mess. This really bums me out because I feel like I missed out on my last month of Austin, at work, and at Crossfit Central.

I leave for NYC on Monday, so only 2 more full days in Austin. I am a little nervous about the move, but mostly excited. I think the first 2 weeks will be hard, trying to get into a routine and find my way. But I am ready for a change and this is going to be an amazing expereince.

I am going to write more in NYC, as I will keep anyone who cares updates on not just my workouts and eating, but my life in general.

Better get to packing....

Going Paleo

2009-08-04T07:38:00.000-07:00

I wrote this last week, but forgot to post it. I am now on day 12 of going paleo and will write more about that later.

On Thursday I committed to going paleo for the next 3 weeks. What is “going paleo” you ask? Paleo is short for Paleolithic, which refers to the era of the cavemen. In essence, the paleo diet is the caveman diet or the hunter gatherer diet. If your caveman ancestors didn’t eat it, you don’t eat it. Whole natural foods, nothing processed. For some foods, it is fairly easy to decide if it is “ok” or not. Obviously, no soda, no potato chips, no brownies. For other foods, it is a little less clear. On the paleo diet, you do not consume grains or starches like potatoes. Why? Because you cannot eat these foods in their natural, uncooked state. If you went out and tried to eat raw potato, you would get sick. It took a long time for man to figure out that they could broaden their culunary options by cooking food. So, while you can cook your food on the paleo diet, you cannot eat anything that you are obligated to cook in order to eat safely. Also, dairy is a no no. This one is controversial to some because milk is the first food that humans eat and it doesn’t necessarily have to be processed. But modern dairy products are predominantly processed and pasteurized and are therefore off limits. The body also has a hard time digesting dairy so it is a good idea to limit it as much as possible.

So that is the cut and dry explanation. For the last 4 days, I have stuck to my commitment. I have been eating a lot of lean protein like chicken and bison, and a lot of fruit and veggies. I am usually pretty clean with my eating, but I have making a real effort to measure and count what I am putting in my body. I haven’t been hungry and mentally I feel like I am making progress. I have started a food journal where I write everything I eat and in what quantity and at what time. I am also tracking my weight, my water intake, and my workouts. So far, I have lost 2 pounds. Even if those are water weight, I will take it. So for the next 18 days, it is going to be a lot of veggies, fruit, almonds, olive oil, chicken, bison, and fish. But you know what? That doesn’t sound too bad to me.

Down to the Wire

2009-07-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written anything in awhile. I guess I am just trying to figure out all the thoughts running around in my little head. I have been super busy getting everything ready for my move to New York in the fall. Flights, deposits, housing, registering for classes. I forgot how much stress and responsibility comes with going back to school! But I am super excited for it to get underway and know that the next year will be a worthwhile struggle.

As far as diet goes, I feel like I have been doing ok. Unfortunately, my body does not do ok with an ok diet. I have been maintaining for a few months now, with fluctuations of 5 pounds or so. I am not at my lowest weight, but I know some of the pounds I have put back on are muscle because my body fat is down. But I am zoning back in and trying to really hold myself accountable for my decisions, good and bad. I am trying not to beat myself up when I goof or give in, but rather relish the moments when I feel like I had a great day.

The first two weeks of July were a little jacked up in terms of workouts. It seems like on days when classes are cancelled, I find it hard to motivate myself. I am so used to having the structure of the gym that I make a million excuses when I am on my own. This worries me for New York. I am going to be on my own and 100% responsible for getting the work done. I am going to link up with an affiliate, but time and money are both going to be fairly limited. So I am going to follow the crossfit.com workouts and the ones posted by Crossfit Central. But I am just going to have to do it. It will be a great test and I know I can do it if I just commit to it.

I have 6 weeks left at Crossfit Central, which is beyond sad to me. I love those guys and I love working out there. But I know I will be back and hope to be able to continue the friendships I have made there while I am away. But I really want to use the next 6 weeks to push myself beyond where I am or have been and accomplish some of the things I have set out to do. The countdown is on and I tend to do well when I have the pressure of a deadline. I want to leave for New York feeling like I can take on anything and being 100% happy with where I am and the effort I have made.

Forward Motion

2009-07-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

Looking back on where we have been can often be a great way to put the present into perspective. I often get down about my progress, or lack there of. I didn’t do that fast enough or I didn’t go heavy enough or I shouldn’t have eaten that cookie or I wish I could lose the last 10 pounds. Too many negative, self-deprecating thoughts will only lead to continued failure.

It is hard for me to be objective about myself, my body and abilities. I often don’t give myself enough credit or rejoice in my accomplishments. So today I decided to post a “Before/During” picture. I do not call this an “After” because I see my life as a continual journey. But it does show how far I have come and that there is a lot for me to be proud of.

Many of you have seen the before, which was taken spring break my senior year of college. The during pic was taken at the start of the Spartan 300 Challenge in May of this year. I put them side by side mostly to show myself, without a shadow of a doubt, that I have been successful. I have made progress and regardless of how slow and difficult the road has been, it has been worth every minute and drop of sweat. Although I look forward to the day when I can post a picture that makes the one from this year look like a different person, I am happy with where I am and know that I have been through something that many people will never experience. If I am strong enough to make the commitment to change my life, I am strong enough to continue to make the smart choices to keep me here. Forward motion, right? Forward motion.

Spartan 300!

2009-06-18T13:49:00.001-07:00

The final Spartan 300 workout is on Saturday! I am not excited and nervous about it. I am nervous because I am going to do 95 pounds instead of 65. The only things this will impact is my deadlifts, floor wipers, and increase the weight of my kettle bell. I am not worried about the increase in kettle bell weight because I really enjoy kettle bells and I have done that weight before. The deadlifts will be harder, but again, I have done that weight before and I know that I can physically do it. The thing that worries me is the floor wipers. I am not even 100% sure that I can hold that weight over my head long enough to do the movement. So that worries me. But I know that if I don’t step up and do it now, I am not going to. So even if my time is slow, even if I don’t finish, I am going to give it what I’ve got and hope that is enough. I am also nervous to get my body assessment done. I have not been doing very well. I have been eating pretty well, but I have not been 100% into it. So my weight has just been going up and down up and down. The last week I have figured it out, but it might be too little too late. And since I am trying not to let the scale have so much control over me, I might forgo the weigh in altogether. I know that if it is not what I want it to be, it is going to impact my workout. And the workout is really more important to me at this point. But we shall see. So I will hopefully have good news to post after Saturday and not let the end of this challenge justify falling off the wagon…for the millionth time! I am determined to get there this time, wherever there is.

What's the Deal?

2009-06-12T09:53:00.001-07:00

We are down to one week before the Spartan challenge final. I don’t feel like I have done a whole lot. Zachary asked me the other day if I felt stuck, so clearly other people are noticing my lack of forward motion as well. I am not sure what it is. I try to not pay attention to my weight, but it is difficult. I have used it for so long as a measure of my success, that it is hard to get away from that. The scale hasn’t moved in forever. In fact, it often moves up. Despite working out hard 5 or 6 times a week and despite the fact that I eat pretty darn clean. Sure, there is always room for improvement. But all in all, I eat healthy and appropriately. So what gives? I feel like I fight really hard just to maintain, which really worries me about what that means when I move to New York. I am not going to have the time or money to commit to crossfit like I do here. I am going to do it on my own as much as possible, but I know it is not going to be the same. So does that mean I am going to slide backwards? I refuse to believe this is as good as it gets for me in terms of fitness, but I am really struggling to figure out what I have to do to push farther. Maybe the change in workout routine will be a good thing? Maybe it will shock my body back into paying attention and reacting positively to my efforts. I am not discouraged. I am not down and out. Just a little confused about where I am going with all of this and the best road to get there.

Moving Closer

2009-06-09T12:40:00.000-07:00

I am starting to get really excited about going to New York. I am ready to be back in school. I am ready to be taking classes that genuinely interest me. I am ready to be finished working a 9-5 for a while. I am ready to be in a new city having new adventures. I am ready to get out of my comfort zone for awhile and see what I am really made of. Of course, I am nervous. About 2 months ago I would have told you I was 50% excited and 50% terrified. I am no longer terrified, but I am still anxious about the challenges that I know are in store. I am going to miss my husband most of all. It is going to be difficult to be away from him for so long. But we have done it before, I am going to be tremendously busy, and he is so supportive. It will be hard, but I know we can survive a year. I am going to miss my parents and my cat and my friends and my gym!

Now that I am only a few months away from moving, I am trying to make the most out of the time I have in Austin. I am trying to step up my workouts, step up my nutrition. I want to get out and do all the things I love about Austin because I know I am going to miss doing them in New York. I just want to enjoy being here, right now, at this time in my life. Who knows what is in store down the road, but I am certainly ready to find out. I love my life and while I would be perfectly happy if nothing changed, I am thrilled to be given the chance to shake things up and change the course of my life forever.

Go Hard or Go Home!

2009-06-02T13:57:00.000-07:00

There are now less than 3 weeks left in the Spartan Challenge. I will admit, I have not been as “into” it this year as I was last year. I am not sure what it is, but I don’t really feel any different than I do when I am not doing a challenge. I guess it is because I work out just the same and I give Zach my food logs like I was doing before. But I know this is a time to push myself. So with the realization that it is more than half way over and I don’t feel like I have a lot to show for it, I am going to make the next three weeks count.

What am I going to do, you ask? Well for starters:

No more diet soda! I have started to become too dependent on them (one every few days) and I don’t like it. So no more. Done! They make me feel blah and overly artificially sugared.

Watch less TV! I don’t watch a huge ungodly amount, but I know I could be using my time more wisely. It is too easy to mindlessly eat when I watch TV, so by cutting down I will kill two birds with one stone.

Stay away from the bulk veggies chips and Whole Foods ginger cookies! I can easily trick my mind into thinking these are healthy alternatives to junk food, but they aren’t. So I am going to do without them for the next three weeks in hopes of getting out of the habit of buying them.

Only get a salad from Whole Foods or Central Market once a week. This doesn’t seem like a big deal, but sometimes I get them 3 or 4 times a week. And in addition to being expensive, I eat more than I would if I made a salad at home. Also, I want to work on preparing my own meals, so getting away from these is important.

Be smart about my fat! Mike and Zach have both told me to up my fat, and I went a little crazy with it for awhile. Seriously. So instead of buying huge tubs of almond butter and pounds of almonds, I need to figure out some alternative to still get the fat I need without being tempted to over do it.

Last, but not least, work on pull ups and push ups every day! I want to get a pull up. Just one! And I want to get push ups on my toes. I have been lazy about working on these for whatever reason. Time to step it up.

So hopefully with these changes I will see good results in the next three weeks. I want to drop the weight without losing my strength, so I am going to really work on dialing in and making it happen!

Friends in High Places!!!

2009-05-27T19:01:00.000-07:00

I had the most wonderful weekend! My two best friends from college came to visit and I hadn’t seen them in almost 2 years. They are the kind of friends who you can go long periods of time without seeing or even talking to often, and as soon as you get back together it is just the same as if you saw each other ever day. It was so great to spend time with them and I don’t think I have laughed so hard or often ever. We did a lot of the typical Austin things, but the weather didn’t cooperate for everything. We got a good thunderstorm, but made the best of it. We ran around a lot, but it seemed like we were always eating. I mean, we went to Magnolia Café, Rudy’s, Hula Hut, Kerby Lane, Whole Foods, Alamo Drafthouse, just to name a few. I certainly ate more than I usually eat and the vast majority of it was carbs. I drank more than usual and I also didn’t really workout. I went to bootcamp Friday morning and then nothing else again until the WOD last night. But you know what? I don’t feel guilty about it. Usually I do. Usually I would let a messed up meal or day throw me off course for a month. But that has not been the case. I got right back on it yesterday and had the most amazing clean meal last night. It was comforting to know that I can go for a weekend and be “normal” in terms of going out and not being consumed by crossfit and still be ok. Now, I don’t want to make a habit of it and I won’t. But I think it is a sign of progress that I can find balance between restriction and indulgence, deprivation and over-consumption.

Triathlon!

2009-05-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

I did it! I completed my triathlon!!! In the cold and the wind and the mud. It felt so great! Let me recreate the experience for you:

Saturday brought with it ran and a “cold front.” I was worried that we would have to bike in the rain, which was really the only thing I was nervous about. Otherwise, I went and got my race number, checked out the free goodies, then went home to rest, eat well, and mentally prepare.

I woke up at 4 on Sunday morning in hopes of leaving my house by 5. I ate some oatmeal and almond butter, double checked to make sure I had everything, and was out the door. I got to the race site about 5:20 and there were already a ton of people there. Luckily it wasn’t raining, but the breeze was blowing and almost everyone had a sweater of some sort on. I got a spot on the end of the bike rack and set up my transition gear. This is when I thought I would get nervous, but I didn’t. I felt pretty ready for this race and just wanted to get it started! I got marked with my number and met up with my training buddies before heading down to the starting line. This was the coldest part of the day. The first heat went at 7 and I wasn’t scheduled to go till 7:20. So we were all standing around in our swimsuits, barefoot on the concrete waiting to get in the water. It seemed like forever as I watched people race around the markers in the water. Finally, it was my term and the water felt so warm compared to the air. But the wind was going pretty good, which made the water exceptionally choppy and you could actually see the current moving. We waded in to our necks and counted down to the start. 3…..2…1…

And it was on! I kept up with the front of my wave pretty well. I was certainly not the fastest, but I was moving along pretty good. Getting to the first buoy seemed to take forever. We were swimming against the current and it was a good 300 m from shore. Once we started swimming parallel to the sore, the current was in our favor and I just kept telling myself to keep moving. I switched it up between side stroke and breast stroke for the most part and tried to remind myself that every moment I was getting that much closer to the end. Finally we turned to head back to shore, and that was the worst part. We actually had to swim into the current and into the waves so every time you turned to take a breath, you had to be careful not to get hit in the face by a wave. People seemed to really be struggling with the swim and it is definitely a nerve wracking experience. The mass start at the beginning can really be a scary thing and once you get out in the deeper water, you can easily convince yourself you are going to go under at any moment. For me, the swim is more mental than physical and I just tried to keep myself calm and talk myself into getting to the next buoy.

After about 27 minutes, I came waltzing out of the water and started the long run up the hill to my transition site. Getting socks onto wet feet is a real chore! But I managed to get in and out and on to my bike is about 3 mins. Then I was off. The 12 mile bike ride was the thing I was most nervous about. It was a fairly hilly ride and my little hybrid mountain bike cannot keep up with the road bikes everyone else seemed to be riding. The first 4 miles were into the wind and along rolling hills. My legs were surprisingly tired after the swim and I was still dripping wet. For a moment, I began to wonder how I would get through it. But then I told myself this was only as difficult as I let it be, so I buckled down and rode as fast as I could. There was one hill in particular I was not looking forward to. You came down a hill, then took a sharp right into a steep incline. You had to slow enough to make the turn, but have enough speed to get up the hill. A lot of people walked it and they said it was probably the most dangerous section of the course. My goal for the ride was to not get off my bike and to make it up the hill. And I did! It was a quad killer, but I just kept turning my feet over and moving the wheel. This is also when I started my mantra that would last the rest of the race: This hill will not defeat me. I said it over and over again on the bike and on the big hill at the end of the run. This hill will not defeat me. Once I made it up that hill, the rest of the bike seemed a lot less intimidating. Although it took me about 55 minutes, I finished the bike ready to tackle the run.

Oh running. How I love it! Surprisingly, though, this was the part I was looking forward to. Once you start running, you are almost done and you are in total control of how well you finish. My goal was to not walk on the 5k. And…..I did it! I ran the whole wonderful thing. The first ½ mile was very very very muddy. My shoes were caked in mud after about 5 minutes and my feet were soaked and felt like they weighed 10 pounds each. But I promised myself I wouldn’t walk. So I kept running. There was only one serious hill to go up, and that was at the very end. I am glad I ran the course before race day because I knew what to expect. When I got to that hill, I knew how much energy I needed to conserve to make it to the finish. Again, I was not going to let the hill defeat me. There were a lot of people walking and it felt so good to pass them. I made it up the hill and knew I just had a little longer till the end.

I thought that I would be so exhausted when I crossed the finish line. But I felt really good. Like I could have gone longer. About 10 minutes later, my body caught up with me and my legs started bothering me a bit. But all in all, the whole thing was not as difficult as I thought. I may actually do the same course in 3 weeks when they have the Danskin now that I know what to expect and have a time to beat. Even today I feel fine. I think I may have been a little dehydrated so I am just trying to up my water intake, my body isn’t hurting or bruised and I am still pretty stoked that I did it. It was a great experience that I would highly encourage anyone to do. Everyone was so supportive and encouraging and it was very inspiring to see so many women of all ages and sizes getting out there and taking on something so challenging.

Congratulations to everyone who competed and I will see you out there again soon!

Use It

2009-05-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

I just got home from doing the Spartan workout. This starts a 6 week challenge of keeping a workout and food log, sending it to my coach, and doing additional workouts. Today was the kick off and we did the benchmark workout and in 6 weeks we will do it again.

I like the workout. I did it in an ok time today. 17:38. Usually, I would feel great right after that workout. However, right now, I feel pretty low. I actually called my husband in the car on the way home crying about what a bad workout it was. It was not bad in terms of time or effort. But I should have gone heavier. For the last week I have been trying to figure out if I should do 65 pounds, which I knew I could do, or 95, which I knew would be a challenge. Always go for the challenge!!! How will I ever get better if I never push harder? I can come up with every excuse in the book. But at the end of the day, I am only going to be as strong, as fast, as fit as I let myself be.

I get frustrated that I work my ass off and don't see better results. For awhile I was starting to think my expectations were too high. Tonight I realized they are not high enough. I don't push myself far enough out of my comfort zone. Working out 6 days a week, 2 time a day does nothing for you if you are just going through the motions. I never really thought I was, but tonight was a wake up call. I HATE feeling like I am a disappointment. To others and to myself. But I have to stop being afraid. Afraid of not being good enough. Of looking stupid. Of being judged. Of everything.

When we did our body assessment tonight, I didn't look at my weight. I am pretty good about dropping pounds during challenges, but I don't want to focus on that this time. I don't want the scale to be my measure of success anymore. I don't want to be just good enough anymore.

A wise guy told me the other night that you get back what you put out in to the world. When you focus on the "I don't want" and the "I hate it when" you draw it back into you. You make a reality what you were trying to avoid. So instead, let me rephrase the above ideas. I am going to focus on getting stronger and getting leaner. I am going to let the pain and discomfort be an indication of my progress and push through. Most importantly, I am going to blow myself away with how far I can go and not settle until I get there.

Triathlon...Here I come!

2009-05-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

In a week, I will be a triathlete. A few weeks ago I wrote about how odd it was to be called an athlete. Now I have to adjust to the tri part of it.

I feel ready. I feel confident. I feel proud that I am doing it and I know that I am going to push myself as hard as possible and do as well as I am able. This being my first triathlon, I am certainly nervous and have no idea what to expect. But everyone I talk to says that you get the most amazing feeling afterwards. So we shall see. I will be glad when it is done as it has been looming in the distance for a few months now. But I will miss the motivation of training for it. I have done things in the last few weeks that I hadn’t done in a long, long time. I forgot how great it feels to be on a bike. I forgot how much I love to swim and be in the water. So I will just have to keep it up on my own and make it fit in somehow.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would participate in much less look forward to being in a triathlon. Another testament to how much my life has changed and how much more alive I feel because of it.

Strong and Focused

2009-05-08T09:33:00.001-07:00

Today is the first day in a while that I feel healthy and strong. I can’t lie; I have been struggling the last few weeks to find the right balance of workouts and eating. I have been working out a lot more, so I used that as an excuse to eat more. I was giving myself little indulgences far too often and wasn’t saying “No” as well as usual. But for the last week, I have really tried to focus in and be much more deliberate with what I eat. And it seems to be working. I am feeling good and energized. My workouts have been great and varied. Biking, open water swims, 5k runs, and of course crossfit. I feel like I am moving in the right direction again. And there is nothing like the feeling of success to keep you motivated!

Crossfit

2009-04-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

Every morning, at the stroke of five,
My alarm goes off and I get ready to drive,
In the dark and the cold and sometimes the wet,
To that infamous box just North on Burnet.

While others lay sleeping, I’m well on my way,
Anxiously waiting to see the workout of the day.
Will it be deadlifts or thrusters? Box jumps or a row?
When you walk into the gym, you just never know.

Will it will capitalize on your weakness or play up your skills,
But before you can worry, we start warm up drills.
“Butt lower. Knees higher.” echoes through the room.
“Wake up people,” we hear coach’s voice boom.

The clock begins: as many rounds as you can.
Today I’m just happy we aren’t doing “Fran.”
We lunge and we squat, we do pull ups chest to the bar.
People who drive by stop to gawk from afar.

You don't always finish the workouts you begin,
Everyone fights to get one more rep done.
“Time” is called and we all drop to the floor.
Sweaty and blistered, bloody and sore.

But tomorrow I know I’ll be at it again,
Because it hurts so good and you leave with new friends.
Without it I don’t know just how I’d survive,
Because there is nothing like crossfit to let you know you are alive.

A New Life

2009-04-21T14:31:00.001-07:00

It is official: I am going to Columbia in the fall.

Wow. That is simultaneously one of the most exciting and frightening statements I have made in a long time. I am so ready to be back in school and working towards my long term professional goals. I love being a student and know that going to Columbia is going to help open a lot of doors for me. At the same time, New York City is not somewhere I ever thought I would live. Granted, it is only for a year, but it is still a daunting prospect. Moving to a new city, going to a challenging university, leaving my family and friends and work. I am scared that I will not be successful or that I am somehow making a mistake in going. I am scared to be on my own and have to radically alter every aspect of my life.

But what is it that is posted on the board at Crossfit Central? “Routine is the Enemy.” In the last 2 years, my life has been fairly predictable. It has been amazing, don’t get me wrong. But I have defiantly fallen into a comfortable cycle of work, working out, and spending time with family and friends. I am so happy with my life right now, and I am really scared to give that up. But I know that I have to in order to get where I want to be in the long run. I could easily see my life staying the same for years and years and being perfectly content. But I know that sooner or later, things have to change and the course of your life depends on how you prepare for that next phase.

So for a year I am going to do something that scares me. I am going to be on my own in New York City, taking hard classes and adjusting to living on a tight budget. I know I am going to get homesick and be sad and wish I could come home. But you know what? At the end of that year, I know that it is going to be well worth it. One year of hard work in order to make the rest of my life exactly what I want it to be. New York better watch out!

I Need to Run!

2009-04-09T14:02:00.001-07:00

I am desperately trying to talk myself into going for a run. I hate running. It is hot. My MP3 player died on me. I am going for a run on Saturday and probably tomorrow as well. I want to go. I really do. My brain just talks my body out of it. I tell myself “Go home and rest for a bit then get on the treadmill.” That turns into watching TV on my couch trying to fight off bad food choices. I need to run. I need to go right after work, hit the trail, get it done before 6 pm, then have the rest of the night to relax. That is the only way it will happen.

Why is it so hard to do the things we know are good for us?

Athlete?

2009-04-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

Another good start to my week. I had a good swim early on Saturday and took Sunday off. But I was out and about keeping busy so food wasn’t really an issue. I had a good workout Monday and this morning and plan on a 12 mile bike ride this afternoon. My cleans last night were much better than I feared, so that is encouraging. I need to get running again because I can definitely see and feel a difference when I do it regularly.

Mike and Zach also have me working on changing up my diet a little. Adding more fat and protein and breaking it up differently through out the day. This is evidently the “athletes approach to the zone.” I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I am an “athlete.” I have never thought of myself as one or even as someone who is overly active. I know since my activity level has increased, my body needs to have enough fuel to keep going and continue burning fat. We are just always taught that weight loss is the result of calories in vs. calories out, so adding calories always makes me cringe. But I know these guys know what they are talking about and that I am currently in a bit of a rut, despite eating clean and working my butt off. It may take me a little time to get the hang of it, but I have good teachers and I know they will help me figure it out.

I have to start looking at myself as what I want to be and am working on becoming, which is someone who is fit and healthy. Fake it till you make it, right? I think I am, I think I am, I think I am. I control my future. I choose my course.

I Hate the Scale

2009-04-02T17:21:00.000-07:00

I refuse to be a slave to the scale. Refuse! After a less than stellar weekend my weight jumped up 6 pounds. On Wednesday I was down 4, but today I am back up 2. I really don’t get it. I know I didn’t put on two pounds yesterday. My brain knows that. But my heart still sinks. But I can’t let it get me down. I know that I just have to stand firm and do what I am doing and I will be rewarded. The key for me is not letting minor set backs or momentary disappointments get me permanently off course. This time I refuse to let a number on the scale ruin my day or my week and just know that all my hard work will pay off….sooner or later.

Me, Myself and I

2009-03-31T18:42:00.001-07:00

I sometimes worry I am counting on those around me a little too much. Don't get me wrong. I need support from those I love and it feels great to know that I have such a strong and diverse network of people behind me. But I know it comes down to me in the end. With a move away from Austin and crossfit central looming in the not so distant future, I have started to think more and more about "doing it on my own." No gym. No trainers. No fancy equipment. No husband. Nobody to hold me accountable but me. I need to learn to make choices on my own, motivate myself, kick my own butt into gear. I am going to try to work on that the next few months, at the same time knowing that I have a great safety net in case I fall.

Counting my almonds

2009-03-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

Today is the start of something amazing. That is what I am telling myself. Starting today, I am going to be 100% on the Zone for 8 weeks. I am going to measure everything and not allow myself even an inch of wiggle room. I have shown myself that wiggle room doesn’t work for me and that the only way to get the results I want is to dedicate 100% to it. I am about to start my triathlon training on top of doing crossfit 5 days a week. My body cannot afford to be fueled by anything but the most efficient and beneficial foods possible. So no more small cheats. No more big cheats. No more grabbing a handful of almonds or mindlessly consuming a bag of popcorn. I am done. I am so tired of working my tail off only to feel like I am not getting to where I want to be. I know that I need to work on my relationship to food and the way I think about success. But in the mean time, I need to be proactive about moving things forward. At the end of 8 weeks, having been 100% faithful to my workouts and eating, I hope to be purely satisfied with where I am. I am not going to put a number on it or set a specific goal. I just want to feel like I did everything I could to make change happen. I do not like feeling out of control or that I am fated to live a life of cycles of binging and dieting. I need to find the happy balance, but I think that will only come once I am satisfied with my progress. I am not happy about where I am physically at this point. Happy with how far I have come, of course. But not with my current progress. So 8 weeks it is. Without someone reviewing my food logs and being accountable only to myself. I am confident in being able to make this happen and I just need to take it one day at a time, one challenge at a time.

I am Healthy and I Make Wise Choices

2009-03-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

Wednesday brought with it an existential crisis, or sorts. Like my previous post states, I ate well this past weekend, but still saw a 3 pound gain on Monday. I know this was not a real 3 pounds. Much of it can be attributed water retention and normal fluctuations. But it never fails that when this happens, I automatically think, “Well why did I just work so hard to be so good if I am just going to gain weight anyway? Why not just eat poorly and gain weight?” I am slowly getting better about fighting off this thought. But it is hard. Often times, this develops into a week long binge and an additional 3 pound gain. I know this is the cycle. I recognize it and I know how it develops. I suppose that is the first step. Now I just have to prevent it from happening.

Needless to say, this week I was not very good at fighting it off. I went out for St. Patrick’s day drinks and tex-mex with a friend and then proceeded to crave all kinds of junk the next day. I went out, got my biggest weakness chocolate nut crunch, from Central Market, and ate a good half a pound of it. Then I wrote Zach a long self-pitying email about why I have an issue with food. I know that when I cheat once, I am much more prone to do it again. And again. And the next thing I know I have just undone what took me a month to accomplish. I am sure other people experience this, but in my case it literally is that disastrous. I can eat and eat and eat and eat until I am sick, and then eat some more. That first cookie is great, but the second one is even better.

So how do I solve this? DON’T EAT THE FIRST COOKIE!!! I wish I were the type of person who could just indulge every now and then and not have it impact them in any significant way. But I’m not. And I know it. Of course I am going to have moments when I give in or “allow” myself a small treat. But I need to try harder about not giving into that and controlling it when it does happen. Also realizing that if I do eat a cookie, it is ok. One cookie will not kill me. When it leads to 3 or 4 or 12, that is the problem. I think if I try to not to be so hard on myself when I slip up, I will be less likely to punish myself with eating till I am bursting with guilt and needless calories.

All of this is to say that I didn’t have a week long calorie-fest this time. Maybe a 2 day one. Then Zachary set me straight. I am healthy and I make wise choices. This is my new mantra. I printed it out and taped it on my desk, my mirror, my refrigerator, and the dashboard of my car. It has actually helped. Those little bites of blizzard or stealing one french fry really make a difference for me. And if I can learn to control or at least prevent this from happening, I think I will be ok.

My workouts the last 3 days have been good and so has my eating. I know it takes time, but I hope I am getting the hang of this thing called “healthy living.”

Thanks a lot to Zach and Mike for talking me down from my calorie induced pity party. You guys are the best!

Keep on Truckin'

2009-03-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

This week has started off well. I had a good weekend as far as eating goes. I think I did a good job allowing myself some higher calorie and higher carb indulgences without going crazy. That is always a hard thing for me as I tend to be an all or nothing kind of girl. The last two days I have had good workouts. Monday we did thrusters, burpees, and knees to elbows. I finished around 16 mins, and should have gone heavier. Prescribed weight was 65 and I did 55. 65 would have given me a slower time, but I need to just go for it. The burpees were surprisingly not as junky as they sometimes are and I think I am getting the hang of landing with your feet wide so that you land on your flat foot as opposed to your toes.

This morning we had an 800m run, 4 rounds of 25 push ups, 25 deadlifts (115 lbs), 25 double-unders (50 regular), and 25 sit ups then finish up with another 800m run. I haven’t been running much on my own as of late so as much as I groaned about it, I was glad to have to run. I am going to try to get in 2 solid days of running a week and with triathlon training starting next week, that shouldn’t be too hard.

My goals for the rest of this week are as follows:
1-Push the weight in Wednesday and Thursdays workouts. Go heavier than I “think” I can and scale back if I have to.
2-Do a 5k and 3 additional miles (under 10 mins each)

Oh! I almost forgot. Today is the first day in my life that I am wearing a size 10! No bad considering I used to wear a size 26!

Grad School

2009-03-12T19:07:00.001-07:00

I got in to Columbia!!! Woohoo! Now I just have to figure out if I am going to go there..... I am sure there is crossfit in New York City :o)

Personal Growth

2009-03-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote about workout/fitness/health goals. Equally important, I think, are personal goals. So today I thought I would spend a little time trying to figure out some of things I want to accomplish in order to enrich my life.

Get involved in Hula
Start singing again
Find a church/spiritual community I feel comfortable with and attend regularly
Make more time for Keith/have more date nights
Go out more often and enjoy my 20’s!
See more live music
Volunteer
Do yoga
Join Austin Outrigger Canoe Club
Get a dog
Begin graduate school
Go to the theater more often
Learn to cook
Reconnect with old friends

I don’t really have dates for these things. A lot of them are contingent upon where I get into graduate school because that determines if we are staying here or moving out of state. It is a rather liminal (look it up) time for me because there is a lot of uncertainty in my life and it is hard for me to make long term plans because I really don’t know where I am going to end up. But I will hopefully know something soon and begin planning out the next steps.
But in general, the above list is just the things I have been thinking about for a long time, planning on doing, and just haven’t made time for them. I have to remember that while my health is a huge priority, I also have to give myself enough time to enjoy the other things in life. It is all about balance. So if anyone has any suggestions on how to incorporate these things, knows of any good local organizations that I can get involved with, or has similar interests and wants a buddy to do them with, just let me know! (Only you cannot participate in date night because that would just be awkward :o)

Goals and Dreams

2009-03-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

I realized that I have never really written down my goals. I mean, I know what they are, but I haven’t really given myself a timeline. So here it is. I am making an outline of where I want to achieve and when I hope to achieve it by.

Push ups on toes – 1 month (April 1st)
Pull ups (at least one)– 2 months (May 10th)
200 lbs deadlift – next Crossfit total (June)
Down to 150 Pounds – 1 month (April 1st)
20% body fat – Spartan 300 assessment (May)
Workouts at prescribed weight – 6 months (September)

I need to step up my game. I am stronger and more capable than I think I am and I need to start showing that in my workouts. I cannot be scared to fail. I have been involved with Crossfit for almost a year now, and although I have come a long way, there is still a lot that I have yet to achieve. Watching the Fittest Games this weekend was truly amazing and it has really inspired me to dig deeper. I don’t want to be someone who is just there going through the motions. I don’t want to spend the time, money and effort month after month to just be comfortable. My mind knows this. Now I just have to tell my body and shut my mind off so that I just do it. I am so thankful to have such great coaches who continue to make me fight to get better. I really don’t want to disappoint them or myself, so I just have to make it happen.

#1 Reason I love Crossfit...

2009-03-09T15:47:00.000-07:00

It works!!!! People have been asking me about crossfit a lot as it grows in popularity and people are starting to hear about it more and more. Why do you do it? What is it all about? Isn't it really hard? All I do now is show them a picture and say...I am Crossfit because it works!

I found this picture the other day and it is now my new favorite before picture. When Keith saw it, he said, "You were really that big?" This is clearly me at my heaviest and I didn't start crossfitting at this weight. But I can tell you crossfit has taken me from a person with the mentality of someone who is still morbidly obese to someone wants to be active, loves going to the gym, and has all the tools to stay fit and healthy for the rest of my life. When I started crossfit, I felt like I still looked like the girl in this picture. Crossfit has changed me inside and out and I love it!!!

Good Day

2009-03-04T19:05:00.000-08:00

WOD

1/2 "Linda"

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Deadlifts

Shoulder Press

Squat Clean

We did this with 1/2 body weight...I only did 55 pounds. Hey! I could be 110...in my dreams! But it was still difficult and it allowed me to do all my shoulder presses. I finished in 15:18, so I felt good about it.

I had a healthy healthy day. Walked 3 miles at lunch, ran 3 miles before the gym, then got my butt kicked my Mike. My eating was spot on. I feel like I doing good things. I just have to stay the course.

I am Crossfit

2009-03-03T16:53:00.000-08:00

Saturday marked the end of the “I am Crossfit” challenge. This was an eight week program designed to push people to the next level in terms of fitness and health. Everyone was assigned a coach who reviewed our daily food logs as well as workouts. Depending on what level people chose to participate in, we were mailed a number of workouts to be completed on our own in addition to our days in the gym. I picked to do 6 work outs a week, so 1 in addition to the 5 days I go to the gym.

At the beginning of the challenge, we completed a workout and did body assessment. 3 rounds of 400 meter run, 15 pull ups, and 7 power cleans. I did 65 pound cleans and since I still do jumping pull ups, I had to do 30. Then, after 8 weeks, we did the same workout again and got our body assessment done to see how far we had come.

So how did Saturday go? Well, good and not so good. I lost 14 pounds and 12 inches. In 8 weeks, I am pretty proud of myself. Down side is I only lost 1.7% body fat and my workout was actually slower for some reason. The first time, I finished all but 2 cleans during the 12 minute time limit. On Saturday, I had all 7 of them to do. The cardio seemed a lot harder for me. My lungs were really burning by the time I was done. Also, I have been having some issues with cleans as of late and I think the mental side of things really slowed me down. All in all, however, I am proud of myself. I am pretty good at buckling down and getting things done when I set my mind to it. It is easier for me to keep on track and push hard when I am accountable to someone else and when I fear disappointing someone other than just myself.

Now the challenge is going to be keeping on track without turning in a food log or my workouts for Zach’s scrutinizing eye to examine. I have 6 pounds to go until I reach my long time goal of being down to my 4th grade weight. After a few not so hot eating days, I am ready to refocus and give it that final push to get to where I want to be. From there, who knows! I think once I feel like I have conquered the scale, I will be able to pay less attention to it and really focus on getting stronger and gaining intensity.

5K Fun!

2009-02-26T18:38:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe that I didn’t blog about my 5k this weekend! I am training for a triathlon in May. Part of the things I am most worried about is making it through a run after a swim and a bike. Running is not my strong suit and I struggle with increasing my stamina and endurance. So this past weekend I signed up for a 5k just to see where I stood with my running.

It was a cold and windy day in Barton Creek, which is a particularly hilly part of town. I really wasn’t looking forward to the run, but I new it was something I had to do. The last 5k I did when I was in 3rd grade and my mom and I walked the whole thing. That should tell you how small a role running has played in my life! Before I began, I told myself to make it throughthe first mile without stopping, then see how I felt. Well I ran the first 2 miles, then got to a huge hill, which was a struggle just to walk up, and then ran the rest of the way. So I would say I ran 95% of the way and came in just over 32 minutes. SO even with a little bit of walking in there, I still averaged 10 minute miles. Running a steady 10 minute mile was one of my goals for I am Crossfit. On the treadmill, I tend to be able to run a lot longer then I can “on the streets,” but I run slower. I usually run a 12 minute mile on the treadmill. So 10 minutes was great for me. I ran faster and longer than usual and I finished well under my “acceptable” time.

I guess it goes to show what you can accomplish when you stop your mind from telling your body that you can’t.

Grace

2009-02-23T19:36:00.000-08:00

I just got home from doing "Grace." A seemingly simple WOD. 30 clean and jerks. This is a fast workout involving getting heavy weight above your head. I am not good at this. Heavy weights are not my favorite and I usually struggle with the clean. Tonight was no different. Perscribed female weight was 95 pounds. I cannot clean 95 pounds and had a hard time doing 85 the other day in class. So I put 65 pounds on my bar and what do I hear? "Susannah, you can go heavier." Heavier? Heavier? Are you nuts? I really didn't want to go heavier because I know how hard it is for me to clean heavy weights. But if there is one thing I hate it is disappointing people. And Mike was giving me that look like, "I expect you to go heavier." So I went up to 75 pounds. And it was hard. Once I get the bar into the front rack position, I can get it up the rest of the way no problem. But it is so hard for me to clean the bar. But I did it. Yes, it took me longer than everyone else. But I went for it. So I am proud of myself. And you know what? I have to do it for myself and not for anyone else. Sometimes it bothers me that I have been doing this for almost a year and there are people who have only been there a few months who can blow me away. Mike made a comment along those lines tonight and at first it bugged me. I don't like to feel like I am not as good as I should be or that I am not giving it my all. But then something went off in my head. Just do it! No, I might not be as far along as I could be or should be or whatever. But I have come a long long way and I just need to keep on working it and pushing it and make sure that I don't get comfortable. So thanks Mike for pushing me harder than I push myself and giving me the support and edge that I need to go further. Kick it up! No excuses, right?

Another Week Closer

2009-02-19T18:53:00.000-08:00

Thursdays are my most hectic day of the week. I go to the gym at 5:30 am, work from 8 to 5, usually spend my lunch hour walking around the lake, then go to swim class at 6:15 pm. I get home around 7:30, shower, cook dinner, and get ready to do it all again. It is now 9 pm, I just finished eating and have 2 hours to kill before I pick up Keith from work at 11. I work out tomorrow at 5:30 in Lance's class. This weekend I have UTB on saturday and then Wendy and I are running a Mardi Gras 5k. What is my point? I am working my butt off. Running around trying to keep busy. I think it is as much to avoid being home alone as it is just wanted to be out doing stuff. Yes, I am tired and some mornings it takes everything I have to get up to hit the gym. But I am doing it. And you know what? Change is possible, you just have to work on it. I am trying to get stronger mentally so that when times get hard, I do not fall back on old habits. I am really proud of myself for getting out there and trying new things. I hate running, but I need to learn to love it. So the 5k this weekend should be very telling of how tough I am and what I am made of.

WOD

Deadlifts
3-3-3-3-3

95-115-135-135-145

Need to work on these! I am getting better, but I still pull from my back. I have to not pay attention to how heavy others are going and just get my form down.

Changes in the Air

2009-02-15T11:51:00.001-08:00

I have been kind of a Debbie Downer recently. Frustrated with my workouts, discouraged about weight loss, and pretty much over eating healthy. The last few days I have felt drained and really unmotivated. I have been giving up on myself and giving into the negativity. Today, I put two and two together. I think there is a direct correlation between your mental state and your physical state and there is something to be said the power of optimism. So today is a fresh day. I am going to accentuate the great things instead of getting so tied up in the things that are not so great.

What is great about today? Well, 2 things. The new jeans I bought 3 weeks ago that fit perfectly are now a little baggier. I hadn’t worn them yet and I put them on expecting them to fit just as they had in the store. But they are noticeable baggier. So that is good. The other positive thing is that I am motivating and encouraging my husband to get healthy, eat right, and start moving. He means the world to me and I know how much my journey has improved my life, so I want nothing more than for him to succeed. It is a hard road to walk, but once you are on it you will find it is well worth it. The benefits are immeasurable and your quality of life will improve tenfold. So I now need to be strong not just for myself, but for him as well. Show him that it is possible with a little hard work, dedication, and planning.

We had a very active Valentine's Day walking around the zoo and then today Keith hit the trail for a good 3 hours! I am super proud of him and I think it is a good indication of the changes to come.

Staying Strong

2009-02-12T17:50:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have hit a wall. Since the start of January, I have been going to the gym 5 days a week and doing at least one workout on my own. Usually this is just a run or something and I sometimes skip it if my week has been particularly hectic. But, for the most part, I have been pushing myself harder than ever before. Physically, I feel good. A bit tired and probably in need of more sleep. But for the most part I am adjusting well. Mentally, I feel great. I am proud of myself and know that I am making steps to get to the next level. Now it is my new routine to go 5 days a week so it is not as difficult as it was at first.

So here is the down side. I am working really hard, but my weight has stayed the same for about 3 weeks. It’s like my body doesn’t want to go any lower than 160. Stuck. Every now and then it will drip down to 158 or 159, but then on my “official” weigh in days it is always 160. Seriously. I know. I know. Don’t pay that much attention to the scale. But it is hard, especially when you are watching everything you eat and working out like a crazy lady. Then I see other people who are not nearly as diligent and they can drop 2 or 3 pounds like that. I know every body is different, but it drives me nuts. This is when I usually backslide. This is when I get frustrated and figure if I am not making any progress, I might as well cheat. So this time is going to be different. This time I am going to stick it out and push through. My goal for the end of “I am Crossfit” is to be down to 150. That is three weeks away. I don’t care if I see it on the scale at the gym, but I want to see it that morning at my house. Can I do it? Is it possible? Now is the time to turn up the heat, keep doing what I am doing, and have faith that things will turn around sooner or later. But for my mental health, I could certainly use a little reassurance that sooner is not out of my reach.

Be Agressive, B-E Agressive

2009-02-06T18:24:00.000-08:00

How does one become more aggressive?

Last night, Mike told me I need to be more aggressive in my workouts. Zach has told me repeatedly to get more fired up. Gain intensity. Be explosive. For those who know me, I am not a very aggressive person. I will stand up for myself, speak my mind, and call you out when need be, but aggressive is not a word I would use to describe myself. I have certainly gotten better. I have gained a thicker skin and am not so nervous about trying new things. But I am not sure how to become aggressive. Is that something you can practice? Is it a skill you can acquire? Or is it just something you either have or you don’t?

I think a lot of it comes from the fact that I don’t like to draw a lot of attention to myself. I am almost more afraid of success than I am of failure. Does that make sense? I limit myself with weights, speed, intensity so that I am just average and blend in. Not that I am some hot shot, but I know I have more than I am giving. We got done with Fran yesterday, and after a minute of heavy breathing, I could have done it again. If I hadn’t been meeting a friend for dinner, I would have gone for a run afterwards. You shouldn’t feel that way after a crossfit workout. Your tank should be empty because you left everything you had on the floor. So is aggression a mental thing that has physical ramifications? Let your body take you as far as it can go and then get fired up to push beyond that. I suppose I need to stop having negative connotations of the word “aggressive” because it is not a bad thing altogether. I have to look at it as another tool or skill that needs to be worked on. If you have any suggestions on how I might do this, I am all ears. Maybe I just need to go back to my gangsta’ attitude of 7th grade…but even that was pseudo aggression. You can’t fake anything in crossfit.

A Small Victory!

2009-02-05T04:42:00.000-08:00

I have decided to participate in the Danskin Triathlon in June. It is a ½ mile swim, 12 mile bike ride, and a 5K run. I don’t think I have ever swum continuously more than maybe 4 laps in my life, I don’t own a bike and haven’t been on one since I was 12, and I hate running. Why am I doing a triathlon then? To see what I am made of. To push myself where I wouldn’t otherwise go. I know it will be difficult, but I am ready to take it on. I have 4 months to get ready for it and my goal at this point is to just complete it.

In preparation, I am taking a swim class at the YMCA with one of my co-workers who is also doing the Danskin. Our first class was last night and it felt good to be in the water. It wasn’t anything super difficult; we just practiced our different strokes and the instructor evaluated where we were. Thursday will be the next class and he said we will do more difficult stuff then. I am glad I have taken the first step, but I know there is a lot left to do if I want to make this a reality.

So the most exciting part of my time in the pool didn’t have to do with swimming at all. In fact, it had to do with sinking. When I was little, I could never stay on the bottom of the pool. I was always a great floater because a good 40% of my body was fat. I would try and try, but I could never stay down for very long because I would instantly start to float back up. Last night while Wendy and I were waiting for our instructor to come back, she joked that we should have a tea party. For those of you too cool to know, that is when you sit on the bottom of the pool with your friends and pretend to drink tea. Well, when I went down, I stayed down!!! For a really long time! I didn’t float up or anything. I was amazed. I wish I could hold my breath longer so I could stay down there, but it was such a great feeling. It is such a great feeling when you have those little, unexpected milestones. A pound on the scale is great, but it is the everyday impact it has on your life that is really what counts.

Sobering Weekend

2009-02-03T18:27:00.000-08:00

This weekend was a rather sobering one for me. I went to Galveston with my dad and some of his students from Southwestern for a service project. We worked with the Episcopal church to help rebuild some houses that were damaged by Hurricane Ike last September. I got married in Galveston and Keith and I made many a trip there in the year leading up to our wedding. My dad’s family also has a long history with the city, so I have always had an affinity for it. I hadn’t been down there since December of 2007, but we sailed by on our way out to see on our cruise in October 2008. Anyway, I knew there had been a lot of destruction and damage, but I hadn’t really heard more than that.

When we arrived in Galveston on Friday, it was already dark. However, there were piles or rubble and trash every where and holes in the horizon where homes should have been. As we drove down the main street, many of the houses and store fronts were dark and you could tell nobody was living there. The next day we went to work on the house of an older couple that had already been totally gutted and had new sheet rock and insulation installed. We worked on mudding the seams, which was an all day project. The house was in a neighborhood on the ocean side of the city and at a lower elevation. They had about 4 feet of standing water, which wasn’t too bad all things considered. Some part of the city got much more than that. It was great to help them, but you realize that your whole day’s work accomplished only a very very small part of the job that has to be done before those people can return to a normal life. A lot of people are not that lucky and I got the feeling that many people just left and didn’t come back. Some people don’t have the money to rebuild, others have nothing left to even work with. The whole city seemed to be empty and rundown, which is beyond sad to me.

Later that day, we all went over the ferry to Bolivar, which is where Keith and I got married. Bolivar was probably the hardest hit by Ike and most of the dramatic pictures taken during and after the storm where from Bolivar. I knew our house was more than likely not going to be standing, but it was heart breaking to see that there was literally nothing left. No foundation or stilts or even grass. Just a lot covered in sand, two dying palm trees, and the little concrete sidewalk that served as our aisle. The two houses next door were standing and obviously being rebuilt, but they were the exception. Almost all of the ocean front homes were gone or unable to be salvaged. The ones farther back were in a little better shape, but it seemed like it was total chance which ones were destroyed and which were spared. The dunes are also gone. No grass anywhere. The beach grew considerably because all of the sand that eroded off of the island beaches was pushed up to Bolivar because of the currents.

I have never been to war and have never seen a “war zone,” but it is really the only thing I can compare it to. There were homes that had fallen off of there stilts and were sitting just next to them, fully intact, on the ground. There were others that were still standing, but were missing huge chunks to where you could see through the house. We drove by a field that had an upside down house that looked like a monopoly house someone had thrown across the table. There was trash everywhere from when the water came in. A forest of plastic bags. The ferry landing didn’t even have power. There were no animals aside from the occasional stray cat. It felt like nothing was alive. The grass had been suffocated by sand and the leaves on the trees had all been blasted off. There were impromptu mobile home parks and tent cities of the people who had nowhere else to go.

It makes me sad to know that the place where I have so many amazing and beautiful memories has been reduced to such chaos. It makes me sad that we can never go back and rent the beach house where we got married or even walk down the path that served as our aisle. It makes me sad that for every home that you see destroyed, there is a family left picking up the pieces. It makes me sad that people have to live in conditions that are unsanitary, dangerous, and often hopeless. But it pisses me off that more is not being done about it. It was a big deal when it happened, and then the media forgot about it. Where are the pictures now? Where are the stories about the recovery process? Why isn’t this as important as Katrina or Rita? Where is the federal aid? I don’t think that people realize how bad it really is down there and how much help is needed. Even if you can only give a day or a dollar, that is more than some people have at this point.

I will post some of the pictures I took once Keith gets back with our camera. But I encourage anyone who reads this to educate themselves more on the situation in Galveston and Bolivar and what they can do to help.

Not So Hot

2009-01-28T19:06:00.000-08:00

Usually I feel great after a workout. Energized, pumped, ready to face anything. Tonight...not so much. The WOD was max rounds in 20 mins of 150 m row, 10 in and outs, and 15 box jumps. I love to row so no issue there. But box jumps are really something I have to work on and I am SLOW at them when I jump. But nothing I can't deal with so I was ok there too. It was those in and outs that killed me. First of all, my upper body strength is nowhere close to where it needs to be. Second, my coordination was just off. And once I feel defeated, it is hard for me to get my head right again. I only finished 6 rounds and started on my 7th. For me, this was one of the harder workouts we have had in a long time. Harder than the mile run and deadlifts. Harder than the flying barbell. Give me a run any day over tonight's workout. And it frustrates me because my upper body is something that I feel is not getting obviously stronger. I know I am, but I don't think I am where I should be. But the only way to get stronger is to work on it and do the things that scare us. So junk mood or no, I just have to suck it up and chalk it up to a growing process. Tomorrow is a new day and will bring a new workout!

Happy New Year!

2009-01-25T17:55:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Chinese (lunar) New Year and since I didn't get around to making any profound observations on January 1st, here is my go at it.

Looking back on the past year, there is really nothing more I could have asked for. For one, I got through my first year of marriage to my great husband Keith. I got a new job, I started on the road towards graduate school, and I got my cat Romo who has been nothing but a joy in my life. I have really become an adult and I no longer feel like I am struggling to find my way. I have also done things this year that I never thought I would be able to or even want to. I have gotten stronger, faster, and in general smarter about working out. I started eating on the Zone, which has done amazing things for me physically and mentally. The urges to cheat and sneak food are pretty much gone. I am cooking almost all my meals instead of heating up frozen diners or pre-packaged food. I am pushing myself to get uncomfortable and do things that are difficult and challenging. Who would have thought that I would go on 3 mile runs just for fun? I have met some of the most amazing and supportive people at Crossfit Central who are nothing but supportive and a lot of fun. 2008 was probably one of the most significant years in my life and I will always think of it as a changing point in my life.

What of the year to come? I just want tot ake things to the next level. Keep working like I have been, but just go beyond even my own expectations. I want to finally accomplish the major goal that I set out to do, which was to get below 150. But it has become about so much more than that now. I want to do all my push ups on my toes, do a pull up, do the suggested weight on our WODs, and take my fitness outside of the gym and start enjoying all that Austin has to offer. I think my life in on the right track and I just need need to keep up with all the things I have begun already. I want this year to be full of the unexpected and cross my fingers that I will be able to overcome any obstacle that might come my way.

Annoying Things About Losing 110 Pounds

2009-01-24T20:47:00.001-08:00

Warning - Do not read this if you are squimish about the ugly side of losing weight or are worried about haveing too much information about me and my body. That being said, read on at your own risk.

I have gotten to that point in my weight loss journey where I am starting to see what the "end" result is going to be like. I have taken off a lot of layers and inches and fat and all of that and the body that is undeneath is coming through. I have always said that when I was 267 pounds, i never thought I had any problem areas because everything just kinda blended togeher. Now that I have more definition, I have big time problem areas. In my eyes, the biggest one is my stomach. Now, I am not trying to fool myself and think that I will ever have a flat stomach or be able to wear a bikini or something. But is it too much to ask to have a stomach that is in proportion with the rest of my body? I mean come on! I was so huge that the skin on my stomach had to stretch to an ungodly size. Now, it has shrunk as much as it can and I now have to deal with a whole bunch of empty skin. And there is nothing you can do about skin, short of plastic surgery or something. But I feel like my stomach is really the thing that prevents me from having a very acurate sense of my size because I look at my stomach and I feel like it looks like it belong on someone who weighs 200 pounds or something. And it becomes beyond annoying when I am working out. For one thing, none of my pants will stay up and I find myself stopping a million times during a workout to pull them up. And I apologize in advance for this, but things like push ups or dumbbell rows seriously suck because everything just kinda hangs. Sick, but it's my reality. Maybe I need a tummy tuck. Since starting crossfit I have lost a lot of fat, which has been great, but it has really made the skin issue even more serious. I don't know what to do about it and I would rather have some left over skin than have it full of fat. But it sucks and it sucks even more because there isn't must I can do about it. Oh well. Just keep on working and hope for the best.

Oh, one of the pictures is me at my heaviest. The other is from one of the healthiest times in my life which was last september.

Little by Little

2009-01-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

Running is getting easier. Last night we did a WOD with two 800 meter runs in it, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was dreading. Was it easy? No. Crossfit never is. But I did it and ran the whole way and didn’t cut any corners or give up. I actually think the longer distances are better for me because once I find my stride, I am usually good for a bit. It is the stopping and starting that is hard for me. Like I always say, I have a long ways to go, but I will get there one step at a time. Now I just need to work on my box jumps, pull ups and push ups…

Day of Rest

2009-01-17T18:39:00.000-08:00

I have worked out 11 of the last 12 days. The “easiest” of those 11 workouts was a two mile run.

Reading those two sentences blows my mind. If I continue as I am supposed to, I will have worked out 26 of the 31 days in January and that was even with a slow start the first week. To some, this way seem like a lot. To others it might seem normal. To me, it just feels good. When I workout on a regular basis, the days that I rest feel like a reward instead of something I should feel guilty about. When I go for 3 days without a workout, it is too easy for me to make an excuse not to go on the 4th or 5th day and it becomes a lazy week or lazy month or worse. So while it feels like a lot, I think this is the best thing I could have done for myself. I am not sure that I am going to continue going 5 days a week to my gym forever, but I know I am not at the point where I can do it on my own and still get the results I want.

The downside to this is that my body hurts. No lie. Last Friday I was beat and went to bed about 9 o’clock. Today, more muscles in my body hurt than I care to count, muscles that I don’t even recall using. My calves are on fire, the back of my knees pinch every time I walk, and there is something funky going on my back that is a mix between an ache and a throb. But you know what? All that tells me is that I am working hard. Nothing is unbearable and hopefully it will be gone by tomorrow. But it always surprises me that I can continue to be sore after doing this for so long. People say “I have done aerobics for 6 months so I don’t get sore.” That just means you are working the same things over and over and your muscles are used to it. Crossfit always mixes it up so your brain and your body never know what they are in for.

Run Run Run Run Everybody Run Run

2009-01-13T18:36:00.000-08:00

My workouts for the last 3 days have included running. On Sunday I did a timed 2 mile run. It was slow, but I did it all without stopping so that felt really good. Yesterday, we did 4 rounds of a 400 meter run and 50 squats. That was killer because your legs feel like jello after all the squats plus it was rather chilly last night. But I didn’t stop once on any of the runs or even cheat and make a wide turn at the end. That felt amazing! Then this morning we did 5 rounds of 400 meter run and 15 snatch. I only did 35 pounds and I really should have gone heavier. But the 5 rounds of running in the cold morning air was hard. But again, I did it. I think I maybe walked a total of 10 steps the whole workout and was happy with that.

Again, I am not the fastest runner, but I am not super worried about that. I just want to be able to do it first and then I will worry about getting faster. Running still scares me and I have to admit when I walked into the gym this morning I was trying to think of any excuse possible not to run again. The old me probably would have thought of something lame and punked out. While I still have those urges and the thought that I can’t do it, they are slowly fading from my mind. I know that the run is hard, but the only way to get over that is to work on it. Every run gets easier. I don’t know that it will ever be easy and I am not sure that I want it to be. I have learned that easy doesn’t get you very far in life. But once you can face your fear and address your weaknesses, you can only get stronger. And for me, that is the name of the game. I am thinking I might even jump on the treadmill tonight while watching Biggest Loser. The day when I can just go out for a run with friends and keep up and enjoy myself is a day that I really look forward to.

Week 1 and Counting

2009-01-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

Week 1 down. 5 workouts, M-F. It was hard, more mentally I think than anything else. But I was beyond tired when I finally got to bed last night. I took today off and will get my 6th WOD in tomorrow. I 4 mile run which I am not looking forward to, but I know I need to work on. Now I just have to make sure my eating habits are on point. During the week is not a problem because I am so busy. But weekends are a little harder. It seems like every time I go to my parent's house to eat, I eat more than I should and/or things I shouldn't eat at all. So that will be the struggle. I have done well so far this weekend. I had a few more blocks for lunch than usual, but it was a big old salad so I am happy with that. My mini-goal is to see 163 on Monday, which considering I was 170 on the 3rd is not too bad. Water weight and difference in scales aside, that is the goal. Week 2 will be here all too soon, but I am ready for it. It feels weird to go for 2 days without going to the gym or seeing my workout buddies!

Matter Out of Place

2009-01-08T18:49:00.000-08:00

"Matter out of place" is an anthropological term referring to when something or someone is not as it should be or not as we expect it to be. For instance, a shoe in the middle of the road is matter out of place because shoes do not belong in the middle of the road. At the same time, a person without an arm might be seen as matter out of place because people are "supposed" to have two arms. I love the idea of matter out of place. I think it is very indicative of societal norms and stereotypes and forces us to face what are often subconscious thoughts.

Recently, I have begun to feel like "matter out of place." I spent so much of my life being inactive that the reality of being a "gym rat" (as my friends would call me) hasn't really sunk in yet. I still get nervous about going into the gym with a new group of people. I wonder if I can keep up or what they are going to think about me. I sometimes feel out of place and like I don't really belong there. Don't get me wrong. I don't feel this way because people aren't friendly or inclusive because that is not the case. In fact, the community at Crossfit Central has made this whole transition into a healthy lifestyle really "easy" for me. But I am a very cerebral person. I think way too much. My mind will tell me I can't continue long before my body gives out. So I tend to fall back into the mind set of someone who isn't active or who couldn't do the workouts. I second guess myself all the time and doubt my abilities. I can tell when this happens because it really impacts my workout. I hold back and don't push myself as hard as I could.

The reason I am writing about this today is because I am starting a new class tomorrow. Since I switched to 5 days a week, I had to add a class on Fridays. So I am going to Lance's 5:45 am class. I haven't worked with him before and I am excited to start. But I am nervous about working out with a new group of people and getting used to the dynamic of the class. I felt this way before I started Mike's class and even more so before I started with Zach at the beginning of my crossfit experience. I know it is silly to be scared because I now LOVE both of my classes and have a great time, so I know it will just take a few days to get used to and then I will be fine. But it is still a reminder to me that this whole process is just as much mental as it is physical. Mind over matter. I have to work on thinking like a healthy, fit person instead of feeling like I am just faking it. There is nothing fake about my determination or commitment so I might as well tell my mind to accept what my heart has already decided.

WOD 3 of 6

2009-01-07T19:27:00.001-08:00

Another day down! This is my first week of going to the gym 5 times a week and the workout tonight was a good one. Good in crossfit is a little tricky because it usually means really hard and left me sitting on the floor trying to catch my breath. Tonight was no different. 5 rounds of 400 m run, 25 inclined push ups and 10 front squats. I am super sore from the last two days and even running was making my chest hurt. But I did it. I didn't finish all 5 rounds since it was capped at 20 mins. I had a little over 1 round left. But it still feels good. It feels good to push and finish something you know is going to be difficult. Mike is a great coach and always brings out the best in my workouts. But 5:30 is going to come all too soon!!!

The Road Less Traveled

2009-01-05T19:44:00.000-08:00

This was me 2 years. I have copies of these pictures in my car and my husband always asks me why I keep them around. There are two reasons for this. First, it motivates me. I NEVER want to get back to this point. Ever. I should never have let myself get there to begin with, but now I know better and use these pictures to remind me of what I am working to get away from.

The second reason is because these pictures make me feel good. Weird, perhaps. But I look at these pictures and I say,"Wow. Look at what you have done!" Yes it is hard to reflect back on the many years of my life spent in that body. But mostly it makes me happy because I know that I have done something amazing for myself. On days when I don't feel like my workout went that great or when progress feels slow, I think about the huge steps I have already taken. Yes, it might take another year or two years to get to where I want to be. But I am already ahead of the game. Looking at these pictures makes me stop and really realize how far I have come. Body image is a weird thing and I have no idea what my body really looks like. Sometimes I don't feel that different from the girl in those pictures. But I am. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am so greatful to the people who have helped me get to where I am and who continue to struggle with me to keep on the right path.

I Am Crossfit

2009-01-03T17:22:00.000-08:00

Today was the first day of I Am Crossfit. This is an 8 week challenge during which time I will be doing 6 workouts a week, keeping a food log, and taking my Advocare. This morning we did our benchmark workout, which will be repeted in 8 weeks to see how far we have come. The workout was 3 rounds of 400 meter run, 30 jumping pull ups, and 7 hang cleans with 65 pounds. The workout was capped at 12 mins, and time ran out for me with 2 cleans left! The run really hurt my time and I know that that is what I really have to work on. My cardio is crap, but the only way to improve it is to work on it. So that is what I hope to do. Well, one of the things. I have to come up with 3 goals to email my coach, Zach, so I will have to work on narrowing them down. I feel like I have a lot of goals, and I am not sure if that is good or bad. But either way, I have a lot to work on and the workout today was a good indication of how far I have to go.

Another part of today was the body assesment. We got measured and pinched and our body fat taken and weighed. Needless to say, me weight and body fat were not what i would have liked them to be. My lowest weight was 162 and that was at the end of September. My body fat was also 22%. Today, I was 170 and almost 26% body fat. No good. I was not really surprised that it went up, but it is another thing to really have to face it. I want to get down to 150 and below 20%. That would be amazing so that is what I am going to work on. I know that I shouldn't base a lot of weight, but it is something important to me and a solid way for me to see my progress.

So 8 weeks from today we will see where I am. It is easier for me to stay on point when I have someone like Zach looking over my food logs and kicking my butt when I don't give it 100%. So I am going to take full advantage of this opportunity.

Susannah vs. Cookie...

2008-12-26T16:52:00.000-08:00

...the cookie won. I know. I wasn't going to blog about it, but I need to. I sucked at sticking to my diet the last 3 days. I made cookies for my family as a blanket gift, and ate more than my share of them. I KNEW it would happen, which is really what pisses me off. I felt a helpless, which is lame and stupid and not really true. I know I am in control I just have to take ownership of it. My fault. I dropped the ball. Start again fresh right now. Which is what I am going to do. Don't worry over what was, just learn from it and more forward. Remember how this feels and how much better it feels when you do well. There is still a week left before the New Year...plenty of time to make things right.

Funk, sweat, and smiles

2008-12-22T18:40:00.000-08:00

I was in a bad mood today. Maybe it was because it was Monday or because it was cold out or because I just want to be on vacation already. Oh, it may have been the fact that I didn't give in yesterday and eat the burger and I was up 2 pounds. Whatever it was, I was not feeling it. Everyone was annoying me and the normal things I don't let get to me were really pissing me off. I don't think it helped that we had our Christmas lunch at work and they got Matt's El Rancho to cater. After yesterday, I was not wanting to be around a lot of people eating a lot of high calorie, high fat foods. But what I realized was that I wasn't really annoyed that I couldn't eat it, but rather that everyone else had a problem with me no eating it. I always get, "One meal isn't going to hurt" or "You need to eat more." No. I don't. I eat more than enough I just don't eat a bunch of junk that has empty calories and them complain the rest of the day that I feel sick and am too full. What is even more annoying is when people say they care about what they eat and care about being healthy and then time after time after time eat crap. I know everyone is different and one meal won't hurt some. But it will hurt me. And it is hard for me to take you seriously when you say you are on a diet and then eat 3 cookies and a pint of queso.

Anyway, I was in a bad mood and was going to just go home and be un a funk. but instead, Zachary invited me to come to his bootcamp to see what it was like. So I went after some support from Keith and I am so happy I did. It was super cold and a lot more cardio than we do at the gym. But it was great. It is fun to push yourself in new ways and get in something different. It may sound silly to some, but that workout got me out of my bad mood. Nothing like burning lungs and frozen fingers to put a smile on your face! I am so glad that I went and I need to remember this the next time I try to talk myself out of working out. Thanks, Zachary, for pushing me harder than I would push myself and thank you Keith for supporting me even when I am hard to deal with.

Don't cry over....burgers and fries?

2008-12-21T18:06:00.000-08:00

Today was filled with a lot of running around, buying Christmas gifts and trying to get organized. I ate a solid brekfast, but didn't count on being gone from home so long. 1 pm came around and I was starving! Keith stopped at dan's to get a burger and fries, and I was going to drop by Mr. Natural's. Only problem was that Mr. Natural's was closed on Sunday. By then it was about 2 and I was ticked off because I literally felt like there was nothing to eat. I don't know if I am just trying to be too hardcore, but everything you can get on the road is fried or full of fat and oil or bread or whatever. It is a slippery slope for me and I just didn't want to give myself any allowances. So instead, I had a break down. Probably the biggest one I have had in a long time. Poor Keith was there trying to enjoy his food and I was just driving around sobbing. I think there was two major things that were bugging me. One was that I was hungry and there was nothing to eat. The second thing was I think I am just tired of not being able to eat a hamburger or fries. I mean, I know that I can and every now and then is not going to kill me. But I am not that way. I am an all or nothing kind of person. For now, I know that if I get a burger once, it is going to throw off my eating for a week or more. I will get the taste for it again and will start craving all kinds of bad stuff and nothing good will satisfy me. So I think I was crying for a burger. I wish I were at the point in my life where I could just eat a burger. But I know it is not worth it. I am proud of myself because I didn't give in and instead ran into Central Market and made a salad. So I stayed strong, it was just an eye opener that this is really about more than food or working out. It is about changing my lifestyal and my state of mind. And while I know that I have come a long way, I know that there is still a long way to go.

On My Own for a Bit

2008-12-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

For the next two weeks, I am on a vacation from crossfit. Perhaps vacation is not the best word because I am still going to the gym a few times and plan to do WODs on my own. But officially, I do not have class for 2 week. TWO WEEKS!!! That is a long time considering I am used to going 3-4 times a week every week. Yes, we have had a week off here or there, but not two whole weeks. So basically this will be the biggest break from the gym I have had since last March. Is it lame to say I am little nervous about that? I know that I can do it on my own and that I just need to focus and stay strong. But I am so used to having my workouts picked for me and my trainer there to keep me going and the accountability of a set time and place to workout. It is way too easy to make excuses when I am on my own. This time of year is particularly bad for me and I always seem to start the New Year a good 10 pounds heavier than I was before Thanksgiving. I have done pretty well so far this year and have been maintaining my weight, but I want to do more than that. So the next two weeks I think I am going to depend on my blog even more to keep track of my workouts and if I had a good or bad eating day.

I also need to get back on the Zone. If you don't know about the Zone, I would suggest you look it up because it is a really great way to maintain a healthy lifestyle and relationship with food. Basically, you eat healthy fats, lean protein, and a lot of veggies. That is an overly simplified version, but that is what it boils down to for me. I have had great results when I zone my food and really pay attention to my serving sizes. However, I tend to be overly restrictive for a few months and then fall off the wagon big time. This is my cycle which I am committed to breaking. And I am not going to wait for the New Year, but rather I am going to start with my next meal. So I may eat my words later, but as of this moment, I am going to be on the zone 100% and work out 4 times a week on my own until classes start again. No Christmas cookies and brownies and all that junk. Sure, I love it. But what good does it do me? One cookie for me just triggers a downward trend so I just have to cut it out. I think my mistake before, however, has been that I don't allow myself any of the "unfavorable" carbs like pasta and bread and rice. While I am not going to eat it often or in a high quantity, I think it is important for me to include a little in my diet to help prevent that cycle of being really strict and then feeling deprived and then giving in…for a week….or two weeks…

So that is it. My official commitment to myself and to anyone who reads this. Zone. Zone. Zone. Workout. Workout. Workout. Enjoy the holidays in a way that doesn't revolve around food and stuffing myself and going into a sugar coma. It will be a first, but a great way to wrap up a great year.

Missing Class

2008-12-16T17:23:00.000-08:00

We have had some "bad" weather the last 2 days. In Austin, that usually means that it is cold and windy with the smallest tiniest chance that there might be some moisture in the air so they put us under a severe weather watch. When I went to Mike's class last night, it was cold, but not unbearable. Then I heard AM classes were cancelled due to the threat of icy roads. I can appreciate that. Even though nothing happened and it would have just been a really cold morning, it is better safe than sorry.

Although I wasn't really looking forward to getting up at 5:00 the next morning to freeze during my workout, it feels weird to miss a day. I missed a class a few weeks ago because I forgot to set my alarm, and my whole week was off. Going to my Tuesday/Thursday 5:30 am class has become such a part of my life now that it is definitely an odd feeling when I break that routine. I miss seeing the people in my class and the jump start to my day that I get from finishing a hard WOD before the sun even comes up. It really goes to show me what a huge part of my life crossfit and CrossFit Central have become. I cannot thank the people enough who challenge, motivate and encourage me to push beyond my limits. Even though most of my workouts still intimidate me, I look forward to them because the feeling you get when you are finished is unparalleled.

A New Start

2008-12-10T19:10:00.001-08:00

Starting in January, I am going to begin something new. I am going to start going to my gym 5 times a week to work out. Right now, I go 3 times a week and try to fit in at least one other day on my own. But I feel the downward pull of winter laziness getting a little too strong and I know committing the energy, money and time into 5 times a week will help me stay on top of things. I am excited, but a little scared. I know I will be pushing my body and mind farther than I ever have before. I am up for the challenge, but I am still a little scared. However, I know the great trainers at Crossfit Central will give me the support and guidance I need. So January will be the start of somewhat of an experiment. I am excited to see how this turns out...

Let's Get It Started

2008-12-09T17:24:00.000-08:00

In Hawaiian, the work Onipa'a means "stand firm." This term was used by the last queen of Hawai'i to give strength and encouragement to her people during the overthrow of the Hawaiian monarchy. When I first come across it, something about this word resonated with me and over the years it has become my personal motto. As I get older and begin facing issues of real consequence, I find myself more and more going back to this phrase. Onipa'a. Stand firm. Commit. Achieve. Believe. Push through. Have faith. Be strong.

Heading into the New Year, I have decided to begin a blog to help me stay strong and finally accomplish some of the things I have been working on for years. The first of these is getting into graduate school, and I am happy to say that I am currently on my way there. The second thing, however, is a little more difficult. I want to finally get to the point in my life where I am 100% happy with my body.

Let me clarify a little. As a person, I think I am great. It took me a long time to really love myself, but I can honestly say that I do. So when I say that I want to be happy with my body, it is not coming from a self-deprecating or "woe is me" kind of place. Rather, I have been working so hard for so long and I have made so many changes, that I want to finally be able to feel like I have done what I set out to do. Not that there won't be room for improvement of that I won't continue to work just as hard as I am now. But I want to be able to look in the mirror and say, "Mission accomplished."

Some might say that this is vanity. Some might say that I shouldn't measure my success by the how I look in clothes. To that I say you are correct and if that is all it was to me, I would have given up long ago. I do not want to be "perfect" or value looks over health and well being. I just want to be at that place where I feel like my initial goals were successfully attained and I can begin working towards the next step, whatever that might be.

So that is it…the start of a blog to help me stay strong. To help me figure it all out and articulate my often convoluted thoughts. I will write about my workouts, my diet, my ups and downs. I am going to be as honest as I can be and share the things I probably otherwise wouldn't. So follow along if you can, comment freely and judge if you will. But this is for me. Onipa'a ku'uipo.